Hello All,
Sorry about missing that last film. That day sort of turned into a huge clusterfuck for me. I guess that sort of summarizes 2016 in a nutshell huh? Good plans led astray by extremely unfortunate acts of god, or whatever your preferred thing to curse at is when things go wrong. Now before we begin with this years list, I have to introduce to you some films that I’ve had to disqualify from this list. They are:
- Alice Through The Looking Glass (0/10) - Simply because I’m not letting any more 0 films top my lists. I simply want to to forget them and move on with my life.
- When The Bough Breaks - Because I couldn’t finish the movie
- Why Him? (1/10) - As much as I really hated this film, I couldn’t be bothered to do a full review for it. Consider it an honourary 0.
With that said, since we’ve all come to hate 2016, and we’re all just wasting the days until it’s over, why don’t we all take a chance to insult it one more time, by counting down…..
The Top Ten Worst Films of 2016!!!
10. I Saw The Light
Plot Summary - Following the life and sudden death of Country Singer Hank Williams (Tom Hiddleston)
Boy do I feel bad for Tom Hiddleston. The poor dude, as much as he’s good at Loki, is so clearly trying to get away from it just a bit in terms of roles. It’s too bad it feels like the film has been so horribly slashed to bits, that the whole story feels like just like a big incomprehensible mess. This is at the bottom of the list, simply because of the fact that while the subject matter has a thin layer of interesting material on the surface level of the whole thing, it’s such a technical mess that it’s impossible to get anything else beyond that from this film.
Final Score - (1/10)
9. Inferno
Plot Summary - Based on the book of the same, our story finds Robert langdon (Tom Hanks) suffering from Amnesia, while also trying to stop a worldwide threat from unleashing.
Boy the old third time’s a charm adage really didn’t pay off for this film huh? Inferno is basically a plot holed riddled mess, that feels like it’s going through the motions of what these types of films should be doing. It’s also riddled with flashbacks, which are so frigging annoying, and honestly the worst parts of bad amnesia stories. Honestly, even writing this I can barely remember anything about the plot except the really stupid moments I called ahead of time. Even then, I can’t remember most of them regardless, and why would I want too?
Final Score - (1/10)
8. The Forest
Plot Summary - Sara Price (Natalie Dormer) travels to Japan to find her twin sister, who has wandered into a mysterious Japanese forest, known as a place for lost souls to commit suicide.
Speaking of not remembering things, in a year where we had actually quite a few decent horror/thriller films, this one’s shittiness definitely stands out more because of that. In my original review I described it as the awful american remake of a japanese film that doesn’t exist. The forest itself is a real place, so why wasn’t the first north american film about it as creepy as it really is? It’s just that it’s so lackluster and devoid of real scares that it ruins a concept that could’ve been utilized so much better.
Final Score - (1/10)
7. Masterminds
Plot Summary - A comedic take on the 1997 Loomis Fargo robbery in North Carolina, as David Ghantt (Zach Galifianakis) finds himself stuck in Mexico while avoiding both the police, and a crazed hitman who’s been hired to kill him.
You know, if I had been told going in that this film was the first film attempting to play itself as the world’s longest anti joke I’d have believed them. The only time I cracked a smile during that whole film was during a blooper as I was leaving the theatre, and even then I’m pretty sure it was because I was just happy to be leaving. It’s low on this list for the mere fact that I’m impressed with how little I laughed at the damn thing. Honestly though, that’s really it’s only ironic value.
Final Score - (1/10)
6. Gods of Egypt
(This wouldn’t format right, so it’s a bit smaller. Sorry)
Plot Summary - In an alternate Egypt, When the evil God Set (Gerard Butler), a young thief is sent to find the exiled Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) and save Egypt.
Holy shit this whole list is mostly films I can barely remember. I know the effects were extremely awful, as watching the film basically turned into spot the lazy graphics and photoshop moments. Honestly the whole film is just terrible to look at, and the film on top of that is just boring, clustered, and cliche as just about any bad film you can imagine. It feels like they sent the pre rendered version of the film and decided not to tell anyone about it. Unlike Masterminds however, this one might be good for a slight laugh, just don’t watch the whole thing.
Final Score - (1/10)
5. Collateral Beauty
Plot Summary - You know, I would write this one, but the one they want you to think it is, and what it really is are so different, and plus it kind of spoils the movie so…. Just read my thoughts on it instead.
Yeah, this is making my list, fight me. I know what most people are saying about it, and people, I respect your opinions, but I’m sorry, this film is WRONG! It’s morally wrong, the story is wrong, and the characters motivations are all wrong. The film is winning you over on cheap sentimentality because it’s the holidays. Hell, that’s probably why they released it now, because they knew that’d be the only way people would let their guard down long enough for you not to notice all the glaring issues with it. If even the trailer has to lie to you to get you to see this movie, then something is desperately wrong. Why is it only at number five then? Honestly, because my opinion of this one seems to be in the minority, and I consider myself a man of (occasional) compromise. I still hate it though.
Final Score - (1/10)
4. Nine Lives
Plot Summary - When Tom Brand (Kevin Spacey) starts putting work more and more over his family, he is punished by being put into the body of a cat, and is given one week to reconnect with them.
I want to use these next four films to make a point about just how bad this year has been for movies. Why does a film with such a stupid, outdated concept even exist? Because everyone involved in the making this film think your children are stupid. When your movie is 87 minutes long, and your opening title sequence has to be padded out with youtube videos of cats on top of that, you know you’ve made something awful. It’s a movie so aware of its future reputation, it’s already been edited into the tv movie formatting it knows it’s doomed to reap forever if it’s even that lucky. It’s an insulting waste of space, and the only value that will ever be reaped of it is if someone makes a documentary of how the hell this thing got made. If you hate children and want to make them stupider, plop them in front of this and you’re good to go.
Final Score - (1/10)
3. The 5th Wave
Plot Summary - Earth has been taken over by Aliens, and Cassie Sullivan (Chloe Grace Moretz) is trying to rescue her brother from them.
Okay so my summary of the plot is pretty bad, but I don’t care, and neither does this film, because similarly to Nine Lives, This film thinks young adults are stupid. Yeah I know, I hate YA books, but it’s because they’re now all the goddamn same. This film is like the parody of those films, but someone forgot to tell them that it was okay for them to play this thing as a joke. Hell, they were so desperate for this thing to be a hit, I remember they were handing these weird mini versions of the book that had like the first nine chapters or some weird shit like that. If you have to tell people that the book exists while they’re going into the movie, that’s not a good sign. The only good thing that came out of this is that it’s failure might have lead to the premature ending of the allegiant series, mostly in terms of people realizing just how toxic the whole genre had become. I think the last Maze Runner movie is still on, but Dylan O’Brien didn’t almost die for nothing dammit. That and it’s not coming out until 2018 so it can distance itself away from all this probably.
Final Score - (1/10)
2. The Boss
Plot Summary - Michelle Darnell (Melissa McCarthy) is an industry titan who loses her fortune, and when she goes to her former assistant for help, she finds herself starting over in pursuit of getting back to the top.
You know, as much as I wrote this list last year with a fiery hatred for these films in my stomach, this year, I think I’m more tired. This film, is the second place example of why, because This painful film thinks grown adults are stupid. This film is so goddamn cookie cutter, it’s actually ironic that in the film they’re selling baked goods as the main source of this cliched, predictable, and unfunny plot. I basically knew how the entire film was going to play out from the moment it started. Does Melissa McCarthy’s husband hate her or something? Seriously, she keeps making these films that are supposed to be edgy female comedies but you have got to do more than fart and make vagina jokes. If Ghostbusters was as bad as people wanted it to be, I would’ve completely have written 2016 off for her. This and Masterminds has just made me so sick of just these god awful and lazy comedies, when there are probably funnier things you can find on youtube…..probably.
Final Score - (1/10)
And now, before we reveal the winner of the worst of the year list, we have some...
Dishonourable Mentions:
- Zoolander 2 (2/10) - As part of these honourable mentions lists and the highly discussed topic of sequels/prequels, I’m taking a moment to compare the differences between the good, the mediocre, and the bad. Zoolander 2 is a fairly bad type of sequel, the 10+ years too late sequel. They usually involve the protagonists realizing they’ve gotten older and blah blah blah. While other sequels like this can rise to mediocre at best, this one fails because (and I know this is an unpopular opinion (and it’s not like I don’t have a lot of those,) I just didn’t think the first Zoolander was funny, and this film didn’t have a great basis to make a sequel on. I still maintain that this one is the funnier of the pair, but not by much.
- TMNT 2 (2/10) - Another better than the first one sequel, it still fails because they simply are a product of the ‘action scenes first, plot comes never’ style of filmmaking. Can Michael Bay please stop ruining things?
- Lights Out (2/10) - I really don’t know why everyone really liked this one. Everyone single person in this movie was unlikeable, and honestly when you don’t want anyone to survive in a horror movie, that kind of puts a damper on the tension a bit.
- Assassin’s Creed (2/10) - Hey look a videogame movie that sucks. This one bugs the shit out of me more simply as a fan of the games, that’s why it’s low on this list. Seriously though Ubisoft, next time, utilize the Animus for more than just action scenes.
- The Huntsman Winter’s War (2/10) - Who thought this was a good idea? Oh right, the people who realized Chris Hemsworth was a hot property and tried to capitalize on that. Also, before you all go and check, yes this did come out this year. This simply falls under the category of ‘but why though?’
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the worst film of 2016 is………………..
- Independence Day: Resurgence
Plot Summary - Twenty years after the first film, earth is put to the test when the aliens return looking for a rematch.
Yes folks, the way too late sequel, the most awful film of the most awful summer blockbuster in recent history (no really it was), and now the worst film I’ve seen this year. This is the film that proves that there are people in Hollywood who think that the movie going public are fucking idiotic, brain dead, and will pay for any form of dumb entertainment shoved in front of them no matter how god damn bad it is. This is my choice for worst movie of the year based solely on what it represents on the whole about this year (and because it’s also both shitty in both story and presentation, but I’m trying to make a point). People, a lot of film studios, producers, writers, and directors, are getting lazier and lazier because we keep proving to them that they can, and will still make a profit off of it. Now if you like these films regardless that’s fine, but if you get to the point that you’re so blinded to all of it’s faults that you stick your fingers in your ears to ignore them, and then yet have the audacity to turn around and go ‘gee why don’t they make good movies anymore’ then you have to realize YOU’RE THE GODDAMN PROBLEM! This film is the proof of that. It’s so obvious that every single person involved was simply there to do their least, collect their check, and go home, and yet they still had the goddamn gall to sequel bait the fucking thing because they thought we’d all go see this. Joke was on them in the end luckily, because nobody saw this fucking thing, and rightfully so.
With a Final Score of 1/10, Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you…..
The TMNT Award Winner for The Worst Film of 2016:
Independence Day: Resurgence
Oh thank god, after that I need a long shower.
2016, please, for the love of god, go away quietly, and take these shitty films with you please.
Next: The Most Disappointing Films of 2016 - That’s right folks, another list for your viewing pleasure.
Links:
Last Review is Here: The accidental last review for this year, may it contain future list contenders? You can read that here.
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Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
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