(This had really nice formatting that got lost in the transfer from google docs to here. I hate that this is still an issue.)
I’m just glad it’s over. 2017 felt like it was going to be inevitably bad, and while there were the odd bright moments here and there, overall I think we’re all relieved. While there is a lot to talk about this year (especially in movies) for now though I truly believe that we need this. First though, disqualifications.
Disqualified Worst List
The Mountain Between Us (I couldn’t finish it. It was just that dumb. I don’t rate films I don’t fully watch)
Transformers The Last Knight (0/10) (Call it the number 0 of this list, because just like the number 0, I’d prefer to not mention this one again unless I have to. Fuck you Michael Bay, stop making these movies for real this time.)
With that done, won’t you join me folks, as we count down….
The Top Ten Worst Films of 2017
10. The Snowman
For the original review, click here
Plot Summary - When women start going missing, detective Harry Hole (Michael Fassbender) begins to suspect there’s a serial killer, who leaves a snowman as his mark.
You know I’m sad this film made it on this list. Sure it’s at the bottom, but I was still looking forward to this one. It’s not really anyone’s fault except the studio, the filmmakers weren’t given enough time to finish filming the whole script and the studio still put it out knowing that. I actually went and bought the book, just because the film told me so little that I’m really dying to know what was left out. Not much more to say here, this is just a cautionary tale.
Final Score - 1/10
9. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - After being betrayed in Washington, Alice (Milla Jovovich) now finds herself in an unusual alliance with the Red Queen. Her goal, to retrieve an T-Virus antivirus, and save the world, before the umbrella corporation wipes out what’s left of humanity.
You know in my younger days I was actually a fan of this series? I even have the first two on dvd, and they still hold a nostalgic place in my heart. This film kicks most of the continuity straight in the dick, and decides to rush through to an ending that was clearly done so they can just reboot this franchise in a few years. That would be bad enough, but the fact that this film also made me physically ill while watching it earns it this spot on the list. Hopefully the reboot will be good.
Final Score - 1/10
8. Flatliners
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When five friends embark on an experiment to find out what happens when you die, the results turn out to be more deadly than they could have ever imagined.
If I was a lazier man, I would just simply say this was the most boring horror movie I’ve seen all year. While that is the film’s biggest problem, I just kind of feel bad for everyone involved. The cast has some actors I really like and I hate to see them in boring, predictable, nonsense like this. This also wins for most pointless reboot award for this year so…
Winner: Most Pointless Reboot of 2017
There will be other winners like this.
Final Score - 1/10
7. Kidnap
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Karla Dyson (Halle Berry) is a single mother out with her son. When she looks away for a moment and turns back, she sees him getting kidnapped and begins the chase after him.
Emotional manipulation the movie. No but seriously this one….just puzzles me. After getting delayed multiple times, they finally dumped this out in August (I think that poster pic is not exactly great) and well….who remembers this? Me apparently, but this one was glaring at me on my list of contenders and I knew it had to be here. The stop and start script (plus the above mentioned manipulation) leaves you with a film that just makes you think what the fuck did I just watch? Oh and before I forget…
Winner: Worst Green Screen Effect of 2017
I mean I know you can’t hang a kid out of a car for real, but jesus christ I’ve seen better green screens when I was in high school. Back in 2008.
Final Score - 1/10
6. The Dark Tower
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - One year after the death of his father, Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor) starts having dreams about a tower, a man in black, and a gunslinger. When bad guys begin to circle Jake however, he finds a portal to another world, and finds his dreams are more real than he thinks.
I’m being slightly lazy and just re-using my original plot summary paragraphs from the original reviews, and re reading this one, I have no idea what happened in this movie. Why? Because they tried to jam so much backstory into a 95 minute movie. That’s an hour and thirty five minutes to cover a series that has a shit ton of source material. With the IT remake coming out this year also, I would like to think the era of shitty Stephen King movies is basically over, but this will be the unremovable stain if that is to be the case. Oh, and also…
Winner: Worst Adaptation of 2017
At least The Snowman tried...more than this at least.
Final Score - 1/10
5. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When Arthur (Charlie Hunnam), a street rat, learns that he is in fact the true heir to the throne after pulling out the sword Excalibur from its stone, he must confront the realities of being a king and overthrowing the tyrant Vortigern (Jude Law).
So how do you retell a known story? Do you skip over the familiar bits of it and fill the rest with half baked ideas, mostly stolen from other movies? If you said yes, Hi Guy Ritchie, sorry your passion project sucks. I hated to put this on here, hell I really wanted it to be good...but this? This was the best you had? Do us a favour sir, go find your groove and get it back. Maybe Jason Statham has another one word action film he can get you to do. Or watch The Rock’s version of Hercules and see what you did wrong.
Final Score - 1/10
4. The Mummy
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When an ancient egyptian princess is uncovered by Military Officer Nick Morton (Tom Cruise), an ancient evil begins to stir and Nick must team up with some unusual allies in order to save the day.
The other big disappointment for me, this one I was also excited about. Modern updates of the universal monster movies, and they want to make a Marvel style cinematic universe? Sign me the fuck up. Then we got this and...I’m so sorry Tom Cruise. At least the falling plane scene was awesome as fuck. I suppose the film will just have to serve as the lesson hollywood will never learn: If you want to copy someone else, at least actually know how they got it to work. By focusing more on setting up the universe than on the actual movie itself, all you leave us with is a nothing movie, about nothing, that does nothing. RIP Dark Universe, I so wanted this to work.
Winner: Biggest Letdown of 2017
Final Score - 1/10
3. The Circle
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When tech worker Mae Holland (Emma Watson) joins a powerful Company known as The Circle, she quickly climbs the ranks and gains fame along the way, but starts to realize the price she pays for having her life available 24 hours a day.
I think the best way to describe the film like this: Imagine that you know a lot about technology, but your parents are bad with technology. Now imagine that you’ve been tied to a table are being forced to listen to them describe every aspect of technology, not only incorrectly, but they’re also agreeing with every false myth you’ve heard about the dangers of it all. Sure they occasionally touch on the edge of being correct, but just when you think they’ll keep going with that, they get smacked in the head and told they’re wrong. Now sprinkle in boring characters, bad writing, and non existant pacing in there and that’s this film in a nutshell. In an era where Net Neutrality (in the states) is being threatened again, and the NSA can spy on anybody, whoever thought making the message of this film the idea that everyone should be transparent online all the time, is either foolish, ignorant, being bribed, or some combination of those. I hate this movie, and everyone involved should question what their morals are.
Final Score - 1/10
2. Fifty Shades Darker
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - After the events of the first film, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) runs into Christian (Jamie Dornan), and decides to start their relationship over again.
Christ this fucking movie. I live streamed my reaction to this one (unfortunately that video is stuck in twitch limbo) and honestly I wish I could’ve delayed this one further. I only saw the first one because of a joke, and if I had known at the time just how deep and shitty the rabbit hole got I would’ve just ran. This is just painful, and not in the fun way like real BDSM (so I’ve heard), and it took the only moment of any real potential to see some character growth and development in the movie and shot it in the head gangland style. That’s how much this fucking movie sucks, it kills its own creative moments. I watched this with my dad by the way, the man doesn’t see many films but he really hated this. Me on the other hand, I still hate this franchise, but the only reason I can’t put this at number one is because at least this one can appeal to people….somehow.
Final Score - 1/10
So what’s the worst film of 2017? We’ll soon find out, but first we have….
The Dishonourable Mentions
The Boss Baby (3/10) - I honestly thought that this was going to be the worst of the kids films this year for quite some time. I’m not happy I’m wrong though, I feel like they should’ve just aborted the thing and saved us all some grief. In case you’re wondering, I meant the film and the kid (Fight me bruh.)
American Assassin (3/10) - There’s always one film every year that everyone else seems to like that I don’t. This one is this year’s entry. It’s just the same type of story these films always do, except more boring. Dylan O'Brien needs better work, hopefully death cure will be at least watchable.
Wonder Wheel (2/10) - The repetitive dialogue still haunts my fucking dreams. Is Woody Allen just getting to the old man making movie point in his life and nobody’s doing quality control anymore? It’s the best answer I can think of.
The Bye Bye Man (1/10) - A clear victim of a PG-13 butchering, January horror films are basically cannon fodder at this point. Looking right at you Insidious the last key. That name still sucks also.
All Eyez On Me (1/10) - Consider it the number 11 for this year’s list, it’s really not a film worth the man’s legacy, and quite frankly it’s amazing to me anyone approved it.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…
The Worst Film of 2017
The Emoji Movie
For the original review click here
“Plot Summary” - Gene (T.J. Miller) is a ‘meh’ emoji living in textopolis inside of his user’s phone. When he blows his big shot at meh due to his ability to express other emotions, he decides to leave textopolis and get himself fixed, but finds the journey will be harder than they expected.
The fact that I wrote the original review as a suicide note as a joke should really be the end all to this, but I want to put more effort into this than they did into this movie so I’m going to keep going. This is everything (that I can remember that’s) wrong with this movie:
Lazy jokes for the kids
The inappropriate jokes for the adults
The half assed at best “feminist messages” in the film. Trust me, it’s just pandering.
The literal ad and instructions for Candy Crush they called a scene.
Repeat the above for just dance.
Lazy tie ins to other popular apps.
The surprisingly inaccurate knowledge of how phones and other tech related things actually work or actually are (They seriously couldn’t ask an IT guy for clarification or anything?)
The lack of original ideas, story, or plot points.
But here’s the thing I realized while doing this list. From the moment they announced this movie, every single person predicted it was going to be bad. Seriously. Never before have I seen everybody hate every single piece of news related to this film before it even got made. Sony must have been hearing this, and do you know what they did to try and prove people wrong?
FUCKING
NOTHING.
They still made the laziest, easiest, most pandering, misguided, braindead, tone deaf, film that everyone knew they were going to make. Sony Pictures Animation, what the fuck are you even doing anymore? You know Sony itself wants to sell the film division right? And yet you still make crap like this? If you guys hate your jobs this much, fucking go bankrupt and save us from anymore of this fucking piece of garbage you people have the goddamn audacity to call a MOVIE!
With a Final Score of 1/10, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you…
The TMNT Award Winner for The Worst Film of 2017:
The Emoji Movie
Ah, that felt good.
Thank you all for joining me on this, hopefully that was as good for you as it was for me.
Next: The Most Disappointing films of 2017 - I feel like this one will be slightly harder than this one.
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Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
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