Double Movie Review: Alien Covenant (2017) and Baywatch (2017)

Hello All,

Woah Return Review Part 2! If you haven’t read the other one do that here (insert link) no time to waste let’s go!

Alien Covenant Review

Plot Summary - When the colonization ship Covenant suffers an accident that awakens the crew early, they receive an unusual signal from a nearby planet. Deciding to land, they quickly learn that the planet is much more than meets the eye.

Pros - The cast is awesome, especially Fassbender in a duel role. The play the film very straight forward which after Prometheus is a welcome relief. The alien scenes are cool, and I think it explores the mythology much better this time around.

Cons - The plot is simplistic and the ending you can kind of see coming.

Final Score - 7/10

I really debated the 8, but that ending kind of knocked it down a bit for me.

Baywatch Review

Plot Summary - When Lifeguard Lt. Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson) is forced to add olympic gold medallist Matt Brody (Zac Efron) to his team, they both soon uncover a plan involving drugs and real estate is going down on their beach, and they are forced to band together to save the day.

Pros - There are exactly three funny jokes.

Cons - The rest of the film is predictable and boring. The characters are one note, and the film is padded to death at 116 minutes long. No joke at one point I got up, went to the bathroom, came back, and immediately figured out what I missed without anyone telling me. That’s how you can tell a movie is predictable.

Final Score - 1/10

What can I say that I haven’t already said for any other bad comedy, it’s not funny avoid it.

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Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? The other half of this special you ideally would have read already. It’s okay if you haven’t, just click the link below.

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Double Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) and Diary of a Wimpy Kid The Long Haul (2017)

I still have a poll up, go vote in it: http://www.strawpoll.me/12952728

Hello All,

    Hopefully you’ve read the Facebook page, but if you haven’t let me explain. I recently took a bit of a break from these, and now I have returned. This is the first one of two I have written at the time of posting this (sort of long story), because I’m doing two reviews to celebrate my return. So since we have a lot to read let’s just get to it shall we?

Pirates Review Here

Plot Summary - Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites) seeks out the mythical trident of poseidon to break his father’s curse. To do this, he enlists the help of his father’s old friend, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp.)

Pros - The cast is all clearly game to return, and they do good jobs in their respective roles. They film also has some impressive set pieces, and I’m a really huge fan of Captain Salazar’s ghost ship and crew.

Cons - The rest of the film is just so surprisingly mediocre by comparison. The plot is thin and padded, and the whole thing doesn’t really feel like a pirate movie. Plot points are obvious, and anyone expecting a lot of Will and Elizabeth will be disappointed.

Final Score - 5/10

Middle of the road summer schlock, but honestly I am not a big fan of the franchise past the first one. Most people already know if they’re going to see it or not, so I leave it up to you.

Diary Review Here

Plot Summary -  Greg Heffley (Jason Drucker) is annoyed after going viral in an embarrassing video. When he gets a chance to redeem himself however, he decides to alter the family’s road trip to save his reputation.

Pros - There’s like one semi funny joke.

Cons - This is basically just another 90 minute “plop it out and see what happens film”. It’s not funny, and all the characters are morons. What else do I need to say?

Final Score - 1/10

Because honestly I just don’t want to hand any zeros right now. This film should not be ignored, it should be used as a warning. This should’ve been a straight to dvd tie in with the trilogy box set of the originals.

Next: Wonder Woman - Because sure why not.

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Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? Honestly it was quite some time ago so I can’t really remember. Go read it and tell me.

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Double Movie Review: The Wall (2017) & Bon Cop Bad Cop 2 (2017)

I have a poll up right now that needs your vote. I mean, if you haven’t already, and only if you want to I ain’t no voting pusher, I’m just a guy. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, link through here: http://www.strawpoll.me/12952728

Hello All,

    It’s been awhile since we’ve done one of these doubles. We’ve got quite the contrast today, with an american war movie, and a canadian buddy cop film. Now it is late, and so unfortunately that means another short review for me today, so let’s get to it shall we?

The Wall Review

Plot Summary - Set back in the end days of the Iraq war, Spotter Allen Isaac (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is with sniper Shane Matthews (John Cena) investigating the site of an attack on pipeline workers. When they think the coast is clear and move in to get a better view, they come under fire from a hidden enemy, and must engage in a battle of wits to survive.

Pros - This is basically a one man show for Aaron, and he does a fairly decent job in the role. He’s sympathetic, and his struggle to survive is a tense one to watch. The film overall has a nice look to it as well, and it also does play out like a real cat and mouse type of film.

Cons - The pacing is a bit off at times, and admittedly the film has a bit of an anticlimactic ending. John Cena also doesn’t get a whole lot to do, so admittedly it’s a bit of a bummer in that regard.

Final Score - 6/10

It’s above average, and at 81 minutes, it’s kind of a great little time filler. If you’re looking for an okay little flick, you can do worse.

Bon Cop Bad Cop 2 Review

Plot Summary - Following the events of the first film, Martin Ward (Colm Feore), now an RCMP senior officer, reunites with David Bouchard (Patrick Huard) to bring down a car theft ring with more ambitious plans in their pocket.

Pros - Feore and Huard once again manage to balance each other out humorously throughout the film, keeping up near the same pace as the first film. The film has a nice modern look to it as well that really adds to the aesthetic, and also helps aid the plot that focuses more on the relationship between Canada and the United States instead of between english and french Canada.

Cons - The story is admittedly not as strong as the first one, and the humour is a bit more downplayed in favour of dramatic tension and somber moments. While there’s nothing wrong with that, if you’re looking for more of a comedic romp you’ll be slightly disappointed.

Final Score - 7/10

Still a good film overall, if a touch on the sequelitis side of things. If you liked the first one, you’ll get your money’s worth for this one.

Next: Alien Covenant - The sequel to Prometheus, now with Aliens. This should be good.

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Movie Review: Snatched (2017)

I have a Poll. You should take a look and cast your vote for it through the link here: http://www.strawpoll.me/12952728

Hello All,

    Admittedly, I’ve had a long day, and because of that I’m also drunk. I kind of just want to get this over with, so let’s do this shall we?

Plot Summary - When Emily Middleton (Amy Schumer) is dumped by her boyfriend before she’s supposed to go on her vacation, she decides to invite her mom Linda (Goldie Hawn) along. When Emily meets a man who seems too good to be true, they find themselves kidnapped, and must make their way to freedom.

Pros - There’s like three good jokes.

Cons - The film is dull, and is possibly the most padded piece of 90 minute crap I’ve ever seen in my life. I think all I really have to say is at one point Amy’s breast falls out as a joke. It wasn’t funny. Christopher Meloni also wins the award for most wasted Cameo so far this year. That’s it, this movie sucks.

Final Score - 1/10

The comedy film is not funny. I’m really getting sick of saying this.

Next: Complete Series Gamera VS Jiger - Number 6 in the series, and another switch in tone this time.

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Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. Hint: Last time, I reviewed something a little different than usual. You can read that by clicking the link.

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Short Film Review: Apart from the Stories in Your Mind (2017)

Hello All,

    So before I begin, in the interest of full disclosure, I do have someone to thank for bringing this film to my attention. I want to thank Christopher Mark Rodriguez, Who Co-Wrote, Co-Produced, and Co-Starred in the film. He sent me a message asking me to do a review, and now I’m fulfilling that request. For a little background, this was released in early January and made with a very low budget. In fact they shot the entire film on the iPhone. So how does this low budget film hold up? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - When a young actor trying to film an audition tape is constantly interrupted by his superintendent, he takes the matter into his own hands.

Pros - Maximiliano Garcia as Eric, the protagonist, does a really good job in the role. You can really see the intensity evolve as the situation progresses. The rest of the cast also do great in the roles, as you do get pretty good characterization, even from some of the shorter roles. The music really does match the intensity of the situation, and is probably my favourite part of the movie. The cinematography, especially the use of the natural lighting, was really well done also. They also say in the beginning that the film was partially inspired by real events, which feels much more honest than the usual based on a true story thing we usually see. The story itself also feels refreshingly real for what they’re trying to get across.

Cons - Because of the way the film was shot, the audio quality for some scenes is not great. You can still hear everything fine, it’s just kind of low quality. There’s a dump of exposition in the beginning as well when Eric is talking to his agent that feels a touch clunky. The pacing of the film feels a touch off balance, as there’s one scene in particular that’s over edited in an effort to make it longer.

Final Score - 7/10

If you’re not a fan of the low budget look and feel, you’ll not be satisfied here. I also feel like that if they expanded the length of the film, and had some slightly better equipment, it would definitely improve some of the slight technical faults, and allow them to expand their rather interesting idea a touch better. Otherwise, it’s on YouTube, I say take a look, and see for yourself.

Next: Snatched - Admittedly, had to come back and make a very late edit due to a scheduling issue, so this one is next.

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Movie Review: King Arthur Legend of the Sword (2017)

Hello All,

    It’s 200am at the time of writing this and I want to go to bed. So of course, I have a lot to talk about, so let’s get to it shall we?

Plot Summary - When Arthur (Charlie Hunnam), a street rat, learns that he is in fact the true heir to the throne after pulling out the sword Excalibur from its stone, he must confront the realities of being a king and overthrowing the tyrant Vortigern (Jude Law).

Pros - There are some interesting new ideas in the mix, and there is one really cool half scene involving an assassination attempt. Also the odd funny joke.

Cons - I don’t know how to describe this movie in my current mindset, but here’s my attempt. Basically, the bits of the story most people know mostly get glossed over, and the new bits he tries to add feel like, at best kind of good ideas, and for the majority at worst, feel like rip offs or cliches from better movies. Also he does the thing from Sherlock Holmes were the scene will be happening, but it also jumps around the entire time while doing it and it feels like it happens every five goddamn minutes. He’ll do it for the most trivial bullshit also and you’re just sitting there asking yourself why? None the named characters are likeable, and there are so many goddamn extra people in every scene I found it easier to give up trying to keep track of them all. Àstrid Bergès-Frisbey as The Mage (Never given a name) is goddamn awful in this, as she tries to come across as solemn and calm when she comes across as bored at best. There are pointless scenes, plot cul-de-sacs, montages galore, and the music that plays for almost every action scene as this obnoxious overlap of somebody breathing along to the beat and I swear to christ it’s like someone just ran twenty miles and are catching their breath right next to your ear. The big fight scenes the cgi looks like a videogame cutscene, and the rest of the film doesn’t look that much better to boot. I don’t know how to end this so let’s just do this already….

Final Score - 1/10

I mean, fucking jesus christ. I was really hoping Resident Evil would be the only film I’d actually consider calling a technical failure this year, but goddamn if this isn’t right in pursuit. This is a case of visual ambition trampling over any plot structure or common sense. Avoid like the fucking plague.

Next: Tomorrow (Or later today at the time of writing this whatever), I will be posting a poll over on the facebook asking for your guys help with something related the ads you’ve been seeing above these reviews this week. So stay tuned for that.

Next Review: Complete Series Gamera VS Jiger - That will be Saturday.

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Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. Hint: A suggestion box review of Donald Glover’s first movie. You can read that through the link.

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Suggestion Box Review: Mystery Team (2009)

Hello All,

    So today’s suggestion takes us back to wonderful year of 2009. It’s also the first film of a young Donald Glover, who would later become the rapper Childish Gambino. It was made the comedy troupe known as Derrick Comedy, and you actually might have seen some of their videos on YouTube. So how well does it hold up after all this time? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - Three friends Jason (Donald Glover), Duncan (DC Pierson), and Charlie (Dominic Dierkes), are known around town as the Mystery Team from their youth, when they were three detectives solving mostly child related crimes. Graduating from high school now, but still as naive as ever, they still carry on the mystery team, and now face their biggest case ever: Solving a Double Homicide. Will the three friends get in over their heads, or prevail in the end?

Pros - The main trio have incredible chemistry together, as they bounce off of each other seamlessly. As well as being a pretty decent comedy, the actual mystery itself is pretty solid for what it’s trying to do. The mix of both dark, and semi random humour, also add a layer of unexpectedness to some of the jokes as well. There’s also a lot of heart to the film as well, as it does deal with the problems related to growing up and drifting apart from friends.

Cons - They play some of the same plot points over a few times, and there are some cliche moments thrown in as well. Some jokes don't quite land well, and Aubrey Plaza as the love interest feels like she’s more on auto pilot than playing the straight one to the comedic trio.

Final Score - 7/10

It’s got it’s rough spots, but if you’re not a fan of this kind of humour I’d avoid it regardless. Otherwise, it’s a pretty silly little film with a touch of substance as well.

Next: King Arthur Legend of the Sword - I’ve heard so far that this might be one of the worst films of the year. Challenge accepted.

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Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. Hint: I tackled the fifth entry in the Gamera series, which went out of this world. You can read that through the link.

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The Complete Series: Gamera VS Guiron (1969)

Hello All,

    So when we last left Gamera, he was defending earth from space invaders while also saving a couple of kids in the process. So what’s the next logical step after getting invaded? Why going to an alien planet of course! Yeah, so if you know anything about MST3K, you might know this entry in the series as one of their (in my opinion) funnier episodes. If you can look it up, I say do so. But how does the movie stand on it’s own merits? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - When two young boys spot a spaceship landing in field, they climb aboard looking for adventure. When the ship takes them to a planet exactly opposite from earth, Gamera follows them and comes across Guiron, the giant ginzu knife.

Pros - The monster fights are pretty cool, and the outer space scenes are really well designed. The music is admittedly kind of catchy, and there are some kind of tense scenes.

Cons - I like to describe this movie as an adorable mess. The dialogue can range from awfully clunky to just hilariously ridiculous (Including the phrase “A better world without wars or traffic accidents”.) The kids cannot act to save their lives, yet they can be funny while doing it. The stuff that takes place on earth feel like they only happen to pad out the 82 minutes runtime, and once again they use stock footage from other movies as well.

Final Score - 5/10 With a Lower Score Seal of Approval

Yeah, it’s a kind of weird that I recommend seeing. By far the strangest Gamera movie I’ve seen, I can definitely see the ironic humour in it as well.

Next in the Series: Gamera goes back to earth to take on the three horned threat Jiger.

Next Review: Suggestion Box Review Mystery Team - Early Donald Glover, this should be good.

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Retro Review: Bon Cop Bad Cop (2006)

Hello All,

    Fun fact: I’m an Edmonton Oilers fan. Right now, they’re fighting to stay alive in round 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Why do I bring this up? Because a vast majority of Canadians love hockey, and that serves as the main plot point in the subject of today’s Retro Review: Bon Cop Bad Cop.

    I bring it up because (In Canada) it’s sequel it actually coming out on May 12th, Eleven years after the first. I actually remember seeing the first one in theatres. I really enjoyed it at the time, but I also admit I hadn’t seen it since. So how well does the film hold up? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - When a body is found split down the middle of the Ontario and Quebec border, by the book OPP Detective Martin Ward (Colm Feore) must partner up with reckless SDQ Detective David Bouchard (Patrick Huard). When they realize that their are going to be more however, and that they’re all related to the hockey world, the pair must overcome their differences to solve the case.

Pros - Colm and Patrick have tremendous chemistry together, and they just stroll through their roles with tremendous wit. The dark humour is a nice touch as well, as a lot of people would argue that there really isn’t a lot of dark Canadian comedy (in before I get like, a million links proving me wrong.) The jokes are great, and the story for the most part is interesting and the plot does keep the viewer engaged.

Cons - There are some slight hiccups in the middle story wise, and you do have the buddy cop cliche moments scattered throughout, which aren’t bad, but still have to be noted as being there.

Final Score - 8/10

It’s a great comedy, and a great Canadian film for interested in watching some. We’ll have to see how the sequel does next week.

Next: Complete Series Gamera VS Guiron - I know these aren’t getting as many views, but for those of you who are reading them, I thank you.

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Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. Hint: I was suggested an anime film, and oh boy I watched it. You can read more about that here.

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Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.