Ryan's Movie Blog: Movie Review: The Emoji Movie (2017)

Hello All,

So, this is a bit awkward for me, as I did something a bit unusual for this particular review: I wrote it in advance. Let me explain. See, I heard that the movie was really bad. At the time of writing this, 8% on Rotten Tomatoes bad. Now, I’ve seen some shit movies in my life, but this one had me worried. So, on the off chance the movie actually proved to be fatal, I left behind one last review just in case. It was a really good one too, and surprisingly accurate as well. So I decided that, instead of repeating myself, that I would simply present to you the original note as I wrote it. Keep in mind while writing it I didn’t think that I would survive, so sorry in advance about the past tense. Now, enjoy the review.

Hello Sir/Madam/Anything else in between

If you’re reading this note inside of a movie theatre on a cell phone, then that phone is most likely mine and I have probably died nearby while watching it. If no dead body is nearby, please simply call the home number and tell them you found this phone, or I will call it endlessly and send it dick pics until it is returned. If there is a dead body nearby, and the name attached to it is Ryan Woodill, then it is my phone, please keep reading this note. For any other dead body scenarios where that name is not around, please refer to the section about the dick pics.

If you’re still reading this note at this point, then please consider this my last will and testament, and my last review as a movie blogger. To get this to my family for posting please call the home number and show them this note, they can take it from there. Please post the section of the note starting with Hello All, down to the appropriate ending which I will provide below.

Review section of note below.

Hello All,

I am currently speaking to you from beyond the grave! Spooky I know, but also somewhat tragic. Unless you hate me, then I’m glad you’re happy. Since I’m dead, I will keep this section short, and get on with the review. So what movie was so bad that it literally ended up killing me? Well, hopefully all the right steps were taken and you were able to read the correct title. If not, then it was The Emoji Movie. So with my last breath having left my body, let’s for the final time get on with the review shall we?

Plot Summary - Gene (T.J. Miller) is a ‘meh’ emoji living in textopolis inside of his user’s phone. When he blows his big shot at meh due to his ability to express other emotions, he decides to leave textopolis and get himself fixed, but finds the journey will be harder than they expected (You know, considering this movie killed me, I wrote I really nice summary for it. Professional to the end. Literally.)

(Hi, so just to interject really quick, I was writing this section as I was watching the movie. You’ll see where I kind of trailed off a touch, I also switched between pros and cons as I saw them.)

Pros - From the looks of it there is some good casting here. Stephen Wright is so god as Meh’s dad that it almost feels like a cheat. Patrick Stewart as Poop as only a few good moments because he appears to be barely in it. There are the odd half good jokes here and there, and some good visuals as well.

Cons - Most of the jokes are either lazy, stupid, or nonsensical. Aside from the above mentioned the rest of the cast is either mediocre or awful. James Corden is by far the worst amongst them, with Christina Aguilera as a close fucking second only because they give her nothing to do except give instructions on how to dance to a song she in real life sung on. Don’t even get me started on the fucking product placement as well. They spend an entire scene playing candy crush, and they also give you instructions on how to play it as well. In between the lame jokes and product placement are just ripoffs and cliches from the better movies that this…..abortion of a thing calling itself a film is clearly wanting to be. I am honestly having more fun writing these notes, and yet I still feel the icy hand of death creeping up on me while watching this. Also, why do they spend half of the movie with meh’s parents and their marital problems? Holy shit I really don’t care, even with Stephen Wright talking and…..was that a Casablanca reference I just heard? NO! YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT EMOJI MOVIE!!! You know what? Fuck it…..I don’t think I’m going to make it…….this film…….is just so goddamn bad…….goodbye…….

Final Score: 1/10 - The few moments of mediocrity save this from just being a zero, but admittedly in a toss up between this and transformers 5, at least this one is short.

Well, there you have it, my last review. Wish I could tell you all how being dead is, unless I actually figured how to do it then ignore this sentence. Guess I should take care of some other things while I’m here, so I will leave you all with this.

Since I am dead, I request the following for my final wishes:

I want Sony Animations Studio (specifically the buildings where they made this piece of shit in any capacity) burnt to the ground. Anyone who is feeling ashamed that their movie literally killed a man is invited to stand inside of any of the buildings as it burns.

Please use any and all official Emoji Movie merchandise all kindling for said fire.

If and/or when the main office rebuilt, I would like pictures from the animated Popeye movie they turned down to make The Emoji Movie instead pinned everywhere it can be seen from inside the building. If nearby buildings that can be seen from anywhere inside are willing, please also hang giant posters of Popeye up on them for at least 25 years.
Ban Sony from making anymore movies based on anything related or similar to Emoji’s, because it is clear that they either don’t, or are physically and mentally unable to care about quality control.
Have all Emoji Movie profits from both the actual movie and all tie-in products donated to the guys who made the Lego Movie, because they know how to turn a shit idea into something amazing, and they deserve it more. Or whatever charities the Lego Movie guys choose just in case, but no pressure.
The person who approved the making of The Emoji Movie (and/or the person who turned down the Popeye adaptation as well, unless they are the same person) must both publically and in person apologize to everyone who has seen the movie, and if requested by any of those people, to refund them double their admission price with the money put aside for any potential sequels (If no sequels are greenlit, then use the money going into Sony’s cinematic ‘Venomverse’ and they must also give Marvel back any remaining character rights once this is done because Sony will probably just fuck this up as well. (Keep Tom Hardy as Venom though Marvel, that I would’ve liked to see.))
In addition, please remove the following emoji’s from all future devices: meh, hi-5, basically any of the real ones they used in the movie.
Get T.J. Miller better work forever. Also, buy him something nice for being in this piece of shit, whatever he got wasn’t enough for the indignity.
Have Rob Riggle be declared both a national hero in his home country, and a genius, because he did the smart thing and went uncredited in this movie.
Anyone who submits a positive review anywhere for the Emoji Movie (even ironically) is automatically to be considered in league with ISIS, and should be added onto any appropriate government watch lists accordingly.
Since I’m here and these must be done legally, I also would like the biggest, most uncomfortable to lie or sit upon in anyway transformers toy surgically inserted into Transformers (2007) director Michael Bay in a non-lethal way that will cause the most discomfort for him for the rest of his natural life, just like he did for any moviegoer with a functional brain.

And for all my lovely fans, thank you for all your support, and keep thinking critically.

Ryan.

Not to jerk myself off too much, but I thought it was a great review. I mean the movie itself sucked so much goddamn ass, but hey I got this out of it so. Also if anyone’s wondering, I didn’t leave directions for my family in there for when I died, because they already know what to do. Not to reveal too much, but a lot of sheep will be sacrificed when I die.

Next: Dark Tower - I’m also going to try and do a suggestion box review soon. Stay tuned!

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Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? Two movies that were way better.