Newest Review is LIVE!!! People, today all I want to present to you is a slice of raw honesty.
Hello All,
It’s a little after midnight at the time I write this. I’m sitting here, currently completely furious, and annoyed at myself. See, I decided today to not go see Sing Street, simply because the timing was not as good for it as I had hoped. Not wanting to feel like this week had gone to waste before Thursday, I decided rather late in the evening to tackle the 2014 comedy Neighbors with a friend of mine. After some co-ordination, we managed to get it started and we were just hoping for a decent comedy to kill some time with.
11:30 minutes in, we had to turn it off. This was after three previous start and stop attempts, because of how much this “movie” is just so painfully unfunny.
Neighbors, is a complete piece of shit, that I can guarantee you right now, even if I had a gun to my head, I’d let the man shoot me instead of ever trying to watch this shit again.
I don’t know if I have to be stoned or drunk, or both to make this funny, but I can guarantee it’d be a worse hangover the next morning than waking up in a foreign country, naked, and without a passport.
From the very first minute of this movie, our protagonists are EXTREMELY dislikeful because they are attempting to have sex in front of their infant daughter. Now, I will give them the benefit of the doubt in thinking that they didn’t mean to do it, and that it was a spontaneous decision, and her being there was an afterthought. Somehow, that makes it worse. Now, I can’t comment on the sex lives of married couples, as I suffer from chronic singleness, but I’m so damn sure that anyone with a fucking brain would at least move the kid to another room for a couple of minutes at least. Keep in mind this is the first scene of the movie, where most movies would use this as an attempt to make your characters likeable. I just thought they were creepy and gross.
Next, they go outside as Seth Rogen heads on to work, and they see a gay couple touring the house next door, and he makes a fabulous joke. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOT FUNNY! That shit got old when people were doing it when I was in High School. I’m not saying you can’t make jokes about gay people but Jesus Christ at least bring some cleverness and creativity to the mix.
Then there’s the scene where he’s at work, and they for what feels like an eternity, Rogen and his buddy hint that they’re going to go smoke weed outside and, MOTHERFUCKING SHOCKER, they do just that. I know right? Seth Rogen smokes pot? WHAT A FUCKING CRAZY AND BIZARRE NOTION! They then proceed to joke about getting older, which is ironic, because most of these jokes are fucking ancient. Then, *gaps* the boss comes outside, and Rogen has to eat the joint. Fuck off.
Next, it’s later that night, and one of their friends calls them up and says that she wants to go out to a rave. So what’s the parents reaction to this? Bring the baby with them of course. The best way to describe the reaction to this is as follows: “Are you people fucking mental?”. I’m quoting my friend (we’ll call her Cass) who offered to watch it with me, and was more than glad to turn it off when I basically threw in the towel.
The final nail in the coffin, was when the frat showed up. When the parents all of a sudden start giving a shit about properly taking care of their kid and making sure the frat next door keeps the noise down at night. What’s their plan? Dress like them, bring the kid over, and offer them pot.
One of the many reviewers I watch is a group from Austin Texas. They said something once about adults who try to act cool that I’m going to link below, because it sums up my feelings about these parents in this fucking movie perfectly.
Watch it here: https://youtu.be/nnf6_156x5M?t=270
People, I’ve seen my fair share of bad comedies in my time. Hell, the only two movies I gave a 0 to were comedies. But people, a 0 is not good enough for this movie, so here’s what we are going to do.
Since Neighbors is guilty of the following offences:
- Unlikeable Main Protagonists
- Jokes so old you can see the copyright from the year 1000 on them
- The scatter brained pacing
- The jarring tonal shifts.
- Ike Barinholtz, because fuck MadTv in it’s stupid face.
- For clearly being a terribly re-written follow up to Knocked Up that misses the point of Knocked Up completely.
I give Neighbors the very first….
Disqualification from Review!
I gave it the good old college try (terrible pun very intended), but I just can’t bring myself to watch it all the way through.
This will not become a regular trend. This is an emergency situation, get out of jail free card, that I only ever intend to use for the films where I want to give it an honest review, but for the life of me cannot even physically put myself through it. People, this movie is on autopilot and it’s crashing into the mountains. I have sat through terrible movies, and have only walked out on three in my entire film watching history. I’ve watched bad movies at home, and have never once in recent memory gone and hit the close window button as fast as I did with this, and I wasn’t even the one who had to close it.
Will I go see the Sequel? It’s a maybe. Out of the three new movies I know for sure are opening near me, the sequel is at the bottom of that list, and who knows?
I will take this opportunity to apologize to Cass, and to make it up to her for attempting to watch this movie with me, I’d like to present her most recent musical piece: Her Orchestral cover of the Overwatch Theme.
Next: The Nice Guys - Thursday Night Review, and holy shit I cannot wait to see this movie.
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Until then, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
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