Saturday, 28 May 2016

Movie Review: Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016)

Newest Review is LIVE!!! Dear god people.....it is bad.

Hello All,

Who here actually remembers Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland? I’ll tell you right now I certainly don’t. In fact writing this, I actually had to look up what year the first one came out. I’m not going to tell you, I’m just curious if you can remember without looking. For those of you who honestly can’t, that should basically tell you how much of an impact it had upon us as a movie going public. So why did they make a sequel six years after the fact? Cause it made a lot of money of course, plus they weren’t done taking what was left of the original book’s idea of craziness and kicking it to death. So what does this movie do that makes itself so bad? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - After coming home from three years at sea, Alice (Mia Wasikowska) returns home to find her father’s company taken out from under her, and her mother’s home in jeopardy. Just as her problems seem to be mounting, Wonderland calls her back to help an ailing Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp) overcome danger.

Pros - It is a really good looking film, but since it’s a Tim Burton film that really shouldn’t shock you.

Cons - Although it really doesn’t do much to expand upon the look of it. Sure Time is introduced but honestly his whole look is strangely bland. It doesn’t help that the cast seems to be sleepwalking through the whole film. Sacha Baron Cohen as Time is so goddamn unfunny that it makes Brothers Grimsby look like Monty Python by comparison.

The story is lackluster, especially since it continues the biggest problem of the previous film: It tries to bring Order, into a place known for it’s Chaos. How? Why, did you know the hatter has a family, and they consider him the silly one, with a father that he always tries to impress? Did you know that the red and white queen were sisters? And that the reason that the red queen hates her sister is that she framed her for stealing a tart when they were children? And that she got her big head from an accident because of it? Best part, at the end of the movie, when the white queen apologizes for the incident, the red queen states that’s all she ever wanted.

Yeah, a major plot point in this movie is Alice figuring out how the queens came to be rivals, and it all started because one of them lied when they were children.

So, if she had apologized anytime between then and the beginning of the first film, none of the first film would’ve have happened. It’s also funny that THIS CONFLICT IS NEVER FUCKING MENTIONED IN THE FIRST GODDAMN FILM.

They basically wrote this whole film by making references to what they thought people liked about the first one, but all they did was make both films worse. How the hell is that even possible?

Final Score - Ladies and Gentlemen, I didn’t think I’d have to break this score out ever again. It seemed impossible to me that any film could ever be this bad again. After much deliberation, I have no choice but to give Alice Through The Looking Glass, a 0/10.

This film does not need to exist. This film is completely terrible, and makes its awful predecessor worse in the goddamn process. This has never happened to me before. I cannot watch the first one anymore because I’ll just be sitting there screaming “APOLOGIZE FOR THE FUCKING TART YOU TWAT!” This film didn’t make me mad while watching it, I actually almost debated taking a fucking nap. In case you don’t get my point, don’t watch this film, at all, ever.

Next - High-Rise: Wednesday most likely.

Links:

Last Review is Here: I reviewed another sequel, did it make it’s previous entries worse? Find out here.

Twitter Account is Here: You’ll get notices when the reviews are live as soon as I post them, plus any trailers, movie news, or updates on when I stream on Twitch. I’m always looking for new followers, and with more followers means more ways for you guys to contribute.

NEW!!! Suggestion Box is Here: Are you sick of gaps in my posts? Why not suggest a film or film series for me to watch? Suggestions will be completed in order received, and if you’d like to leave your name for a suggestion credit and anything you’d like me to promote (within reason) I’d be happy to do that too. This suggestion box will be a permanent fixture of the blog, as again I’d love any and all help you guys want to offer.

Until Next Time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.

Thursday, 26 May 2016

(Spoiler Alert) Movie Review: X-Men Apocalypse

Newest Review is LIVE!!! It's time for yet another X-men Movie

Hello All,

Another month, another superhero movie. This time, it’s the other side of the Marvel universe, The X-Men. If you’ve been able to keep up with the story so far, you’ll know that in the previous film they changed the timeline, allowing them now to rewrite the history of the X-Men to fit the new cannon. We’ve seen an example of this already with the very well done Deadpool, now it’s time to see how well they establish the past. For this one they took another classic from the comics, the Villain known as Apocalypse (although they never call him that in the film.) So how does this film hold up with the other films, and will it help cement the X-Men as a movie force to be reckoned with? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - Taking place ten years after the events of Days of Future Past, the X-Men now find themselves apart all across the world. However, when an ancient mutant resurrects himself and begins to conquer the world, the team must reunite, and with new students at their side, save the world.

Pros - The cast is great as always in these roles, especially the newcomers who play the characters their own way and do quite well with them. The action scenes, and the visuals are also awesome as well. You get to see a lot of powers on display as well, both new and old for the series. They even manage to give quicksilver even more awesome scenes.

Cons - The biggest problem in this movie by far, is the 1h 30m of build up, in a 2h 30m movie. That’s more than half the movie, setting it up. The worst part? There is so much goddamn padding in these scenes as well. Wolverine is in the fucking movie for all of 5 minutes. He doesn’t even talk. When they story finally gets into gear, the ending is so goddamn predictable you can see it from fucking space.

Final Score - 4/10

If you can slog through the first 90 minutes, there is value to be found in the remainder, even if it’s few and far between. To answer this now, I’d rather watch this over BVS again.

Next: Alice Through The Looking Glass - Yeah, I’m going to skip neighbours 2. I just can’t do it to myself.

So, the Thursday night reviews might be posted really late for the next little while, and I apologize. They are posted for me automatically, so hopefully you guys are reading this.

Links:

Last Review is Here: If you think this film made me angry, you should read the last review here.

Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.

Friday, 20 May 2016

Movie Review: The Angry Birds Movie (2016)

Newest Review is LIVE!!!! Let's get mad at the Angry Birds movie.

Hello All,

Another month, another video game movie, and truthfully I think this might be the closest two of these film have ever been released together (feel free to correct me.) If you might recall, I actually enjoyed the previous film Ratchet and Clank, and was deeply saddened to see that it got quite a lot of negative feedback. Sure it was a touch on the basic side, but sometimes simplistic works quite well. I would also like to take this opportunity to remind people that sometimes, it’s better to save your hate for the films that really deserve. What am I talking about exactly? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - On an island filled with flightless birds, outcast Red (Jason Sudeikis) is on the outs with the community after a group of pigs arrive at the island. When he is proven correct after all their eggs are stolen, Red must rally his community together and get them back.

Pros - The voice cast actually does a pretty good job in this one, as they do feel very true to their characters. The animation is also quite good as well, as it manages to be quite colourful and creative with the look of the world. The soundtrack is also quite decent…..

Cons - ….Even though it feels completely out of place every single time. I swear at one point it plays Sound of Da Police by Krs-One. I know right? The film has 2 really big problems:

At 90 minutes, it suffers from an incredible amount of padding: There are so many jokes that go on way too long, there are musical montages, there are random references to so many goddamn things that I lost count, there are way too many adult jokes for a G rated movie, and the last third of the movie feels like just a better animated version of a round of the fucking game.
It is such a blatant fucking cash grab: All those jokes are just there to pad it to ninety minutes while the rest of the movie is there to promote the soundtrack (so much so they mention the new music on the fucking posters for the movie), the inevitable flood of toys, and the also inevitable angry birds the movie the game.

At least Ratchet and Clank kept the jokes in universe, Angry Birds takes the approach of throw everything at the wall and hope something sticks. You know what the other half of that tactic usually leaves you as well? A whole lot of shit to stink it up.

Final Score - 3/10

I was going to give it a 2 for the cast and the animation, but I cannot deny the rather great soundtrack, despite the out of placeness of it. If you haven't seen Zootopia or Captain America yet, watch them instead.

Next: Neighbors 2 or Sing Street.

Links:

Last Review is Here: Last time, I reviewed something a little bit nicer.

Twitch Channel is Here: I’ll admit, I don’t quite have a regular streaming schedule worked out, but if you follow either the Twitter account or the channel directly you will be notified whenever I go live. For the next little while, I might try and stick to one game. Follow the twitter account in the next few days if you’d like to know which one.

Until then, I’ll see you folks at the movies.

Thursday, 19 May 2016

Movie Review: The Nice Guys (2016)

Newest Review is LIVE!!! Today, be civil to each other with The Nice Guys

Hello All,

Like most of the movies I review on here, I have anticipating this one greatly. For anyone who doesn’t know, some of director Shane Black’s previous films include Iron Man 3, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. The latter of those films being another buddy comedy, and as I actually just found out he wrote the script for the first Lethal Weapon film. So this is clearly a type of film that he’s experienced with, but does his way of doing it still hold up in the modern era? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - In 1977 Los Angeles, Private-Eye Holland March (Ryan Gosling) must join forces with Enforcer Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe) to solve the case of a missing girl named Amelia (Margaret Qualley). But what starts off simple, quickly devolves into a case more complicated than it seems.

Pros - What grabbed me first was the music, as the film has (obviously) a killer 70’s inspired soundtrack. The cast is great too, especially the chemistry between the leads. The play off of each other perfectly, especially since the script is really well written. The comedy and the timing are all on point, and the mystery itself actually evolves really well as you start going deeper into it. There’s also a few good dramatic moments thrown in as well, as we get to learn quite a lot about everyone involved. The look of the film also captures the bizarreness of the seventies quite well too. The action and chase scenes are also quite interesting and varied as well.

Cons - The film does have a couple of cliche moments, as well as maybe one or two jokes that fall a bit flat. Also, if you’re not expecting the dramatic moments they might throw you off just a touch at first.

Final Score - 10/10

I debated giving it a 9, but truthfully because the story is so much deeper than I originally thought it was going to be I just figured screw it full monty.

Next - The Angry Birds Movie: Dear god, just don’t let be too bad.

Links:

Last Review is Here: I revealed which very popular film I loathe quite deeply.

Twitch Channel is Here: I’ll admit, I don’t quite have a regular streaming schedule worked out, but if you follow either the Twitter account or the channel directly you will be notified whenever I go live. (Speaking of Which after I post this review I’ll be going live.)

Until then, I’ll see you folks at the movies.

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Good Film I Hate/Fresh Perspective: Interstellar (2014)

Newest Review is LIVE!!!! Today I revisit outer space.

Hello All,

So since I started the new Suggestion Box (which is linked down below), I’ve decided to permanently switch to that instead of future polls. However, I’ve decided to do the films that were on there in order of total votes. Today I tackle the other half of the first place tie, by reviewing a critically revered film I absolutely fucking loathe. The choice of film for this, is 2014’s Interstellar. For anyone who has been here since that start of these, they might remember that was one of my earliest reviews, and that it did not fare well with me at the time. So for doing this I also took it as an opportunity for a possible fresh perspective. How did that turn out? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - In a futuristic earth, the planet is dying, and former astronaut Joseph Cooper (Matthew McConaughey) gets recruited for a last ditch mission to save the human race.

Pros - Without out trying to repeat myself from the previous time, I basically do enjoy the look and feel of this film, as it does truly does capture the beauty of space with breathtaking imagery. There are some good personal moments in the film as well from the cast.

Cons - I cannot stress enough how much I hate this film’s pretentiousness. It’s Christopher Nolan trying to beat over the head with how important space is, yet the answer to how to solve the problem is basically love will find a way? The whole plot is Cooper basically jeopardizing the human race so he can see his kids again, and fucking up along the way into somehow pulling it off. It’s own ending raises too many goddamn questions too.

Final Score - (Previous: 4/10) (Now: 4/10)

My opinion of this film still stands, it’s a fucking waste of almost three hours. Maybe it’s just me, I never bought into the hype and it’s at it’s core a slow drama, which I’m fucking allergic too.

Next - Wide Release: The Nice Guys

Bad Movies I Love: A Million Ways to Die in the West

Links:

Last Review is Here: I did a new type of blog post, an Editorial Special. Check it out here.

NEW!!! Suggestion Box is Here: Like I said above, any future reviews like these, I’d love for them to be suggestions from you guys. Suggestions will be completed in order received, and if you’d like to leave your name for a suggestion credit and anything you’d like me to promote (within reason) I’d be happy to do that too. This suggestion box will be a permanent fixture of the blog, as again I’d love any and all help you guys want to offer.

Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.

Monday, 16 May 2016

Editorial Special: Neighbors (2014)

Newest Review is LIVE!!! People, today all I want to present to you is a slice of raw honesty.

Hello All,

It’s a little after midnight at the time I write this. I’m sitting here, currently completely furious, and annoyed at myself. See, I decided today to not go see Sing Street, simply because the timing was not as good for it as I had hoped. Not wanting to feel like this week had gone to waste before Thursday, I decided rather late in the evening to tackle the 2014 comedy Neighbors with a friend of mine. After some co-ordination, we managed to get it started and we were just hoping for a decent comedy to kill some time with.

11:30 minutes in, we had to turn it off. This was after three previous start and stop attempts, because of how much this “movie” is just so painfully unfunny.

Neighbors, is a complete piece of shit, that I can guarantee you right now, even if I had a gun to my head, I’d let the man shoot me instead of ever trying to watch this shit again.

I don’t know if I have to be stoned or drunk, or both to make this funny, but I can guarantee it’d be a worse hangover the next morning than waking up in a foreign country, naked, and without a passport.

From the very first minute of this movie, our protagonists are EXTREMELY dislikeful because they are attempting to have sex in front of their infant daughter. Now, I will give them the benefit of the doubt in thinking that they didn’t mean to do it, and that it was a spontaneous decision, and her being there was an afterthought. Somehow, that makes it worse. Now, I can’t comment on the sex lives of married couples, as I suffer from chronic singleness, but I’m so damn sure that anyone with a fucking brain would at least move the kid to another room for a couple of minutes at least. Keep in mind this is the first scene of the movie, where most movies would use this as an attempt to make your characters likeable. I just thought they were creepy and gross.

Next, they go outside as Seth Rogen heads on to work, and they see a gay couple touring the house next door, and he makes a fabulous joke. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOT FUNNY! That shit got old when people were doing it when I was in High School. I’m not saying you can’t make jokes about gay people but Jesus Christ at least bring some cleverness and creativity to the mix.

Then there’s the scene where he’s at work, and they for what feels like an eternity, Rogen and his buddy hint that they’re going to go smoke weed outside and, MOTHERFUCKING SHOCKER, they do just that. I know right? Seth Rogen smokes pot? WHAT A FUCKING CRAZY AND BIZARRE NOTION! They then proceed to joke about getting older, which is ironic, because most of these jokes are fucking ancient. Then, *gaps* the boss comes outside, and Rogen has to eat the joint. Fuck off.

Next, it’s later that night, and one of their friends calls them up and says that she wants to go out to a rave. So what’s the parents reaction to this? Bring the baby with them of course. The best way to describe the reaction to this is as follows: “Are you people fucking mental?”. I’m quoting my friend (we’ll call her Cass) who offered to watch it with me, and was more than glad to turn it off when I basically threw in the towel.

The final nail in the coffin, was when the frat showed up. When the parents all of a sudden start giving a shit about properly taking care of their kid and making sure the frat next door keeps the noise down at night. What’s their plan? Dress like them, bring the kid over, and offer them pot.

One of the many reviewers I watch is a group from Austin Texas. They said something once about adults who try to act cool that I’m going to link below, because it sums up my feelings about these parents in this fucking movie perfectly.

Watch it here: https://youtu.be/nnf6_156x5M?t=270

People, I’ve seen my fair share of bad comedies in my time. Hell, the only two movies I gave a 0 to were comedies. But people, a 0 is not good enough for this movie, so here’s what we are going to do.

Since Neighbors is guilty of the following offences:

Unlikeable Main Protagonists
Jokes so old you can see the copyright from the year 1000 on them
The scatter brained pacing
The jarring tonal shifts.
Ike Barinholtz, because fuck MadTv in it’s stupid face.
For clearly being a terribly re-written follow up to Knocked Up that misses the point of Knocked Up completely.

I give Neighbors the very first….

Disqualification from Review!

I gave it the good old college try (terrible pun very intended), but I just can’t bring myself to watch it all the way through.

This will not become a regular trend. This is an emergency situation, get out of jail free card, that I only ever intend to use for the films where I want to give it an honest review, but for the life of me cannot even physically put myself through it. People, this movie is on autopilot and it’s crashing into the mountains. I have sat through terrible movies, and have only walked out on three in my entire film watching history. I’ve watched bad movies at home, and have never once in recent memory gone and hit the close window button as fast as I did with this, and I wasn’t even the one who had to close it.

Will I go see the Sequel? It’s a maybe. Out of the three new movies I know for sure are opening near me, the sequel is at the bottom of that list, and who knows?

I will take this opportunity to apologize to Cass, and to make it up to her for attempting to watch this movie with me, I’d like to present her most recent musical piece: Her Orchestral cover of the Overwatch Theme.

Next: The Nice Guys - Thursday Night Review, and holy shit I cannot wait to see this movie.

Links:

Last Review is Here: It’s about Monsters…...sort of……….

Until then, I’ll see you folks at the movies.

Thursday, 12 May 2016

Movie Review: Money Monster (2016)

NEWEST REVIEW IS LIVE!! Let's go count some cash today with Money Monster

Hello All,

I apologize for the lack of posts this week. It’s been slow around here and you could see how much running around I’ve had to do, I honestly think I could make the roadrunner envious. We are getting close to summer movie season though, and having seen an example of the release schedule for next week, it’s going to be a good week. However, we are stuck in the here and now of this week, and in wide release around me is Money Monster. I’ve been seeing the trailers for this one for a while, and even though the reviews were non existent until today, I had hope that maybe we could have an interesting thriller on our hands in the meantime. Did we get that type of film? Let’s find out together shall we?

Plot Summary - Lee Gates (George Clooney) is the host of Money Monster, a financial analysis and stock trading show. However, when irate viewer Kyle Budwell (Jack O’Connell) storms into a live showing and straps a bomb to Lee, his director Patty (Julia Roberts) must help him unravel a financial mystery at the centre of the whole situation.

Pros - The cast is solid, especially O’Connell who basically steals the show in my mind. The story manages to keep itself interesting and intense, and probably features one of the best verbal assaults on a character I have heard in a really long time. Jodie Foster manages to do well in the director’s chair, offering a really steady an interesting look on a premise that’s been explored quite a lot recently, in that it’s willing to go in on a more personal story than most. It’s also quite an interesting journey to see evolve and unfold in somewhat real time. It also avoids going into deeply preachy territory about the subject at hand while also avoiding sounding cynical.

Cons - The ending you can kind of see coming from a mile away, and when you find out who the bad guy is, they do their best to try and paint them that way by throwing every damn cliche they can at them and they basically become a cartoon villain minus the twirly mustache.

Final Score - 8/10

It’s a great thriller that if you don’t mind the thud like ending, then I can easily recommend this.

Next - Sing Street: That’ll probably be on Monday since I will be out on the town that day anyways. Although at some point this week, I’ve decided to give you all an insight into my thinking by making my ranking scale public. I’ve had some questions recently about it, so I figure why not?

I want to take this moment and say thanks to all of you for all your support so far with me and this blog. I have ideas on how to keep this going but it will only keep going with your help. So please take a moment to go through these links, and even if you only choose one thing to check out it helps me so much.

Links:

Last Review is Here: I did a double review of 2 completely different movies. That’s twice the review for you guys, so check it out.

Thank you all again so much, and I hope you get yourselves excited for the summer blockbuster season.

Until then, I’ll see you folks at the movies.