Hello all,
In a year that was a vast improvement over last year, I’m pleased to say that I think I saw mostly really good films for this year. Looking over my mass list of reviewed films, I saw exactly 18 films that ranked from 1 - 3 out of 10, which to me qualifies as unwatchably bad. Today though, we are talking about the absolute worst of the worst, the bottom of the barrel, the films that made me the most bored, the most angry, and the most infuriated, let’s get this started, let’s count down….
The Top Ten Worst Films of 2015
10. Home
I actually think as a whole, the quality of kids films that came out this year improved significantly. In a year where the minions movie was actually watchable when they had every excuse to make a lazy cash in, serves an example of what a hope is a changing trend of really good kids films.
So how the fuck does this get through quality control and released into the world? Oh my god this film was so goddamn annoying to sit through. It’s every example of the worse tropes in kids movies, from the lazy jokes, to the pop culture references, to the lazily written characters, and dialogue. I’ll admit it had a few chuckles and the music wasn’t bad, but I do think they were funny just because I was looking for anything to amuse myself while watching it.
Can this be the last of the old guard of lazily written kids movies? I mean that seriously, because I am so sick of the argument of “oh they’re just kids movie who cares?” Okay, so if you don’t care what your kids are watching, is it okay if I show them japanese horror films, I mean come on, they’re just horror films who cares right?
Final Score - (2/10)
9. Hitman: Agent 47
I’m not going to lie, out of all the films on this list I saw this year, I actually liked this one the most. Like we all know video game movies suck, like tremendously. The thing about this one though is that I was just laughing my ass off throughout the whole thing. Like I actually had to leave the theatre I was laughing so goddamn hard. I expected it to be bad, but my god it was hilariously bad. Every cliched line and moment, the characters, dialogue, topped off with what might be the most over the top, graphic kills I’ve seen in a movie recently. To me this is almost The Room levels of hilariously awful, and this might be the only film on this list I might actively watch again.
Final Score - (1/10)
8. Seventh Son
The very definition of forgettable, I don’t think I knew a single other person who actually saw this besides me. It’s a generic fantasy film, with a dumb plot, with a slapped on at the very last minute 3D conversion that makes the whole thing look like shit. I don’t remember anyone’s names, I don’t remember most of the plot other than their were witches and shit. This should’ve gone straight to DVD, but I think they sunk too much money into it for them to think that was a viable idea. After this review, I will go back to forgetting this existed.
Final Score - (1/10)
7. Fantastic Four
You know, I think Fan-Four-Stic’s biggest sin is that it was overall very boring. Forgetting for a moment all the behind the scenes drama that most likely sabotaged the film, I think in the end this films as nothing more than a reminder that sometimes, you have to let things go. Just because Fox found renewed success with the reborn X-Men franchise, doesn’t mean this was a good idea. With the announced sequel now all but officially cancelled, all this movie did was delay the inevitable spiderman like deal that Sony made with Marvel. I blame Fox for this movie more than anyone else, and all it does it just make me sad for what could’ve been.
Final Score - (1/10)
6. No Escape
God I’m getting a headache going through this list. Anytime a film gets accused of racism for what I usually deem as not a logical reason for it, I usually write it off as either hyper-sensitivity, or as in the case of exodus gods and kings, another bad element of a bad movie. So why can’t I escape the feeling of blatant racism that I get from this movie? I mean at it’s core it’s a basic survival chase movie, but with the mass amount of successful peaceful protests we’ve had in the past few years, who had the idea to make a movie about people protesting, an admittedly shoe horned in, the presence of an outside government interfering with their water supplies I think? It doesn’t help that nothing in this film was interesting except for maybe Pierce Brosnan, who I’d liked to imagine is a long since retired James Bond whose just lost his damn mind. This film should’ve been made back in world war II when this type of thing would’ve been more acceptable and more plausible.
Final Score - (1/10)
5. Unfriended
Okay, there’s an elephant in the room I have to address because of where I live in regards to this film. For anyone who doesn’t know, The Rehtaeh Parsons case from a few years ago actually happened here in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. It was a tragic story from beginning to end and it stands as a reminder as to why we cannot allow this type of sexual harassment and bullying to continue anymore. It actually did not play in Dartmouth, I had to go over to Halifax to watch it, because I was hoping that this film would be the one to shine the light on this and would hopefully be something for people evil enough to ever think about pulling a repeat to second guess themselves…...and then I actually watched it……
The thing I think that makes me the angriest about this film, is how they could’ve done something truly unique with this and what did we get? 90 minutes of watching a Skype call. That’s literally it. The most gore you get in the film they show in the trailer, the rest of this film plays out exactly like one of those fake copypasta stories that float around the internet. Even when they tried at the end of the film to nail home it’s message, they still fucked it up with stupid jump scare horror movie cliches. Fuck this movie and what it DOESN’T stand for.
Final Score - (1/10)
4. Age of Adaline
If Home is the epitome of bad kids films, Age of Adaline is the epitome of cheap harlequin romance novel movies. It’s nothing but pure cheap fantasy that goes from being boring, to being creepy, to being completely illogical. It’s a lazy, lazy movie, and honestly it hurts my brain to think about it anymore than I already have. This was originally higher up on this list, but believe it or not, there are actually three films worst than this dreck.
Final Score - (1/10)
3. Point Break
In a year where we had several hollow remakes and reboots, this one is, yet again, another prime example of the worst tropes of the remakes. Taking the interesting moments of the, admittedly well made yet boring, original film and basically just replacing it with wall to wall pointless action scenes, while treating the plot like a begrudging add on to the movie. A plot which half way through the movie the lead character forgets EVERYTHING THAT FUCKING HAPPENED UP TO THAT POINT! I may have already said this, if the original Point Break inspired Fast and Furious at it’s best, then the remake is inspired by Fast and Furious at it’s worst. It’s a really dumb movie that doesn’t want to be movie.
Final Score - (1/10)
2. Pan
Pan at the end of the day, is pointless. It’s such a bizarrely made film that doesn’t quite know what it wants to be. It starts off as a war film, then it turns into a fantasy film, and then there are two musical numbers even though it’s not a musical because nobody sings again for the rest of the movie. The film looks bad, the effects are bad, there are some extremely confusing design choices, most of the characters are really thinly written, this is the film equivalent of a hot mess and would have honestly been the worst movie of the year, had it not been for one particular movie.
Final Score - (1/10)
But before that, we have our Dishonourable Mentions for the year.
Dishonourable Mentions
- Poltergeist: The original number ten on this list, it’s a needless PG-13 remake of a great film, that I really think we need to send a DVD copy of to the people who want to remake The Exorcist with a warning note attached to it. Final Score (2/10)
- Jupiter Ascending: Looking back, this should’ve been a one season television series, as there were a few great ideas that got massively bogged down by trying to condense it all into one movie. Final Score - (2/10)
- The Transporter Refueled: It had a few interesting moments, but it’s just needless overall. It’s just a pointless sequel in the end…..or is it a prequel? or a reboot? I actually don’t know. Final Score - (2/10)
- Maze Runner The Scorch Trials: So wait, It’s just basically a zombie apocalypse movie now? Well then why the fuck did they put them in mazes, to find out whose immune to it? What fucking sense does that make? Now they’re just out in a post apocalyptic wasteland dodging zombies? Goddammit there went the interesting idea of the first movie. Final Score - (2/10)
- Vacation: I actually had to step out of the film for a moment, but other than that, I’d actually watch the sequel to this, because while most of it is just really immaturely written, there were actually a few really funny moments in this film that I’d like to see more of. Final Score - (3/10)
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the worst film of 2015 is……..
- Pixels
Yeah, did you notice something missing for this? If you guessed correctly, it’s the poster of the movie, because I’m not doing it. I’m not going to give this film the dignity of even showing just the poster of it. I’d done a rather good job of avoiding adam sandler films these past few years, but having actually seen the original short film this was based on, I decided to break that streak by taking a gamble on this and my god did I immediately regret it. I honestly cannot think of a single redeeming moment in this entire waste of film, as all I can see now is 2 hours of adam sandler burning our money and laughing at us. I’m glad he’s confined himself to Netflix now, because I’m pretty sure that means he’ll never get another theatrically released film ever again. But believe it or not, the absolute final nail in the coffin in this film, was when they had every video on vimeo taken down that had the word Pixels in it, including the original short film AND IT’S OWN FUCKING TRAILER!.........How desperate do you have to be to eliminate that much bad press that you’d delete your own trailer? Fuck everything about adam sandler, this movie, everyone involved in making it, and everybody who watched this including me. This movie made me almost give up doing this, I actually felt emotionally crippled after watching this walking, talking, steaming pile, of dog shit, cinema.
With a final score of my very first (0/10) verdict. I am very pleased to announce….
The TMNT Award Winner for The Worst Film of 2015:
Pixels!
Because it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want!
Oh man that was a chore and a half, but at least I never have to talk about most of these films ever again!
Coming up next in the year end lists: The Most Disappointing Films of 2015.
Until then, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
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