Movie Review: The Fifth Wave (2016)

Hello all,

You know I skipped last week because all we got at my theatre was one movie that got universally panned, one I had already seen, and one I don’t even remember what it is thinking about it right now. So when I saw that we were getting four new movies tomorrow with two advanced screenings tonight my hope brightened a little bit. Then I saw one of them………..holy shit. I sit here now, a defeated man, having to tell you why this movie is just fucking awful. So yeah, let’s get this over with shall we?

Plot Summary - When aliens invade the earth and decimate it in a series of waved attacks, a young girl named Cassie (Chloe Grace - Moretz) tries to reunite with her brother with the help of a mysterious young man.

Pros - I honestly thought the first scene in the movie was funny, but that might have only been because of some of the trailers that played before the movie made me want to gouge my eyes out. Oh and a douchebag got hit in the throat.

Cons - Not too sound repetitive but basically everything else about this fucking movie. It’s biggest glaring problem is just how painfully fucking generic it is. I predicted the two biggest plot points in the movie well before they happened, and I knew four lines almost verbatim before they were even said in the film, once getting the exact phrasing right. I’d never actually done that before until today.

    The first third, is just exposition, the main character of the subplot gets all of two minutes of screen time and then all of a sudden he’s back and we care about because of yet even more exposition to explain where he was for the last forty five fucking minutes. Thanks for making me care about him by literally telling me I should care about him stupid fucking movie.

    There’s not a single fucking original thought in this film’s whole fucking body. It could’ve been called young adult novel the movie. You could’ve named the main character Bella Everdeen and I wouldn’t have batted an eye. Hell, this could’ve been mannequins with voiceovers and I wouldn’t have fucking said a goddamn thing about it.

    Bottom line, it’s cliche, boring, and so painfully generic I think I’d rather get stabbed than watch it again because I would’ve enjoyed it more.

Final Score - 1/10

The douchebag getting hit in the throat was funny. I legitimately chuckled, it was as if I got to see a cliche get punched and it was awesome.

I might go bleach my brain of this now. I don’t know what will be next, maybe thirteen hours.

Until then, stay far away from this movie.