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Thursday, 25 January 2018
Friday, 5 January 2018
Movie Review Special: The Best Films of 2017
Hello All,
Without getting into the details, it’s been a pretty bad couple of days for me lately. Admittedly I almost didn’t want to do this list, last year was pretty crap, and this year is not off to a great start, so doing this would’ve almost felt like committing fraud. Instead, I’m writing this now under a different mindset:
These are the films that this year gave me a sense of hope. These were the films that reminded me no matter how bad life can get, there’s always good around the corner. No disqualifications this time, out of the 140 and 2/3rds of the movies I reviewed this year, we’re now counting down.
The Top Ten Best Films of 2017
10. Blade Runner 2049
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When Officer K (Ryan Gosling), a Blade Runner for the LAPD unearths a buried secret on an assignment, he finds himself following a new case that has potential to change everything.
Long? Yes, but when people ask why hollywood makes twenty years later sequel to things this will probably be the film I point at. I like the first blade runner don’t get me wrong, this one is my favourite of the pair. Call the reasoning however you like, the film grabbed me from the beginning and did not let me go despite it’s length. Denis Villeneuve has basically cemented himself as one of the great directors of our time and I eagerly await his next film.
Final Score 10/10
9. The Disaster Artist
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Based on the memoir of the same name, the film follows Greg Sestero (Dave Franco) as he befriends Tommy Wiseau (James Franco) and the ii’s journey to making one of the worst films of all time.
Rarely do I get to be part of the book before the movie crowd, and I’m glad I get to do it with this one because the room just fascinates me. Whenever I’m reminded of its existence, it gives me hope for my own rocky career. The thing that seals this for me is the fact that it’s also the rare fan film project that doesn’t suck. Why? Major Hollywood backing, that and James Franco literally putting his soul on the screen in this chasing your dreams story too silly to believe. And yet, it actually happened.
Final Score 10/10
8. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Seven months after her daughter’s murder, Mildred Hayes (Frances McDormand) puts up three billboards asking why it hasn’t been solved, stirring up the emotions of the small town in the process.
You know, this could’ve been an average murder mystery. Instead, we get a film so unconventional you’ll find yourself laughing and questioning why at the same time. Dark comedies have a tricky line to walk, but this was like watching a production of swan lake walk that line perfectly. I’m glad this film got the recognition it deserved.
Final Score 10/10
7. The Big Sick
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - The film follows Kumail (Kumail Nanjiani), a Pakistani comedian who begins dating a caucasian girl named Emily Gardner (Zoe Kazan.) When she finds out he is supposed to be entering an arranged marriage however, she breaks up with him. After she falls ill and is placed in a coma, Kumail finds himself drawn back to her, and in the process bonds with Emily’s parents Beth (Holly Hunter) and Terry (Ray Romano.)
Call this the dark horse contender of the year, I had doubts this one would live up to the hype. I like being wrong on things like that, and despite me having blanked on it for a while, I’m glad I rediscovered it while doing this list. This has been the most honest romcom I’ve seen in a long time, something even Trainwreck didn’t quite get right. It made its characters relatable, and put them in a truly heart wrenching situation. I know that sounds weird for a romcom, but maybe that’s what the genre needs. Please got let this film become the norm.
Final Score 10/10
6. A Ghost Story
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When a young man only known as C (Casey Affleck) is killed unexpectedly, his ghost lingers to watch his lover M (Rooney Mara) as both she, and the world, continues on without him.
That summary feels underwhelming, but I didn’t want to say it was just another arthouse love story, because even that doesn’t feel right. This film really snuck up on me, and so I really didn’t have much time to look into it before seeing it. This is one of those rare moments where I’ll simply say watch it, and if you like it let me know. Let me know if you didn’t either, I just want people to watch this.
Final Score 10/10
5. Lady Bird
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Following the 2002 - 2003 school year of the self named Lady Bird (Saoirse Ronan) as she deals with life and applying to college.
Boy I really undersold this film huh? Coming of age films are a dime a dozen, so what does it take to really stand out? Honesty. No pandering, no making shit light and fluffy, just pure honesty. I saw scenes in this film that I can easily remember happening to me as a kid, and I rarely get to say that with these films. Simple rule future filmmakers, don’t pander to your audience, people will see the truth.
Final Score 10/10
4. Ingrid Goes West
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Ingrid Thorburn (Aubrey Plaza) is mentally unstable young woman who, after losing her mother and suffering a series of personal setbacks, heads out to California to find Social Media Star Taylor Sloane (Elizabeth Olsen) and start her life anew….at least at first.
Christ there were a lot of slow weeks in 2017. Matches the year really, thank god we had films like this to fill the slump. The original review for this got heavily slept on, and it’s time to correct that. A film that finally talks about the dangers of social media obsession in a way that people will actually listen to. This film almost feels like a spy movie in presentation, sneaking it’s way into your head before pulling the carpet out from under you. Do you know anyone who instagrams to a dangerous extent? This is the intervention movie for you. Sell it to them as a dark comedy though, it nails that perfectly. Oh, and I finally joined the Aubrey Plaza fan club, so there.
Final Score 10/10
3. Logan
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - In the year 2029, an aging Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) is living on the Mexico side of the border, with an aging and senile Professor X (Patrick Stewart) and the mutant Caliban (Stephen Merchant). When a mysterious young girl makes her way to them, Logan and The Professor must get her to a rendezvous point before Logan’s illness overcomes him.
We had a lot of great superhero films this year. We will probably have a lot of great ones next year, Logan will still continue to stand tall. If Deadpool was marvel at its goofiest, Logan was it’s more serious counterpart. A great final film for Jackson in the role, and probably the best showcase of the character we will ever see, as much as I’m glad that the X men are going back to Marvel, I’ll be damned if this movie got lost in the shuffle. No matter what though, this film will stand for a long time.
Final Score 10/10
2. Get Out
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When Chris Washington (Daniel Kaluuya) agrees to visit his girlfriend’s parents for the weekend, but he is apprehensive as he’s black and she’s white. When they arrive, Chris begins to notice strange doings around the house, as he begins to suspect something more sinister going on underneath.
Holy shit this one was a while back. It’s also a film that’s terrifying on multiple levels. Not even IT had that many layers to it, but this had something that IT didn’t: A deeper message. I think it was this film that finally reached out to a lot of people’s social consciousness this year whether they realized it or not. Whatever Jordan Peele does next, count me the fuck in.
Final Score 10/10
And now, because I love to keep you people in suspense, let’s take a look at…
Honourable Mentions
mother! (8/10) - Any film that gets people talking that much must be doing something right. Graphic as fuck? Sure, and your point is?
Girls Trip (9/10) - Hey a chick flick that doesn’t suck? Yes please, can we keep making them like this? Seriously. This was awesome because it was actually funny.
Spiderman: Homecoming (10/10) - Yes, this admittedly should’ve been a 9, but it’s my list screw you….I put it here instead. I’m just so happy it was that good. Infinity War is going to be awesome.
Kong: Skull Island (8/10) - Hey Dark universe? This is how you do a monster based cinematic universe. I await the next Godzilla eagerly.
The Devotion of Suspect X (9/10) - So I’m an idiot, this was the best foreign film I’ve seen all year. This is my correction, I’m tired sue me.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this next one, will hopefully not surprise you.
Baby Driver
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Baby (Ansel Elgort) is a heist getaway driver paying off a debt to a crime lord known as Doc (Kevin Spacey.) When he meets the girl of his dreams and tries to get out, he finds getting out isn’t as easy as he thought.
Yeah so I kind of called this one as my favourite pretty early on huh? Much like Swiss Army Man I went in knowing nothing and came out with my mind blown. Not only do I have the poster, and the dvd, and the soundtrack that I’ve been listening to on repeat (even while writing these lists) this was also the film I set a new personal record with. I saw it four times in theatres. 4. The term this has fallen under is soundtrack film, but I think there’s a lot more to it than that. Great cast, Interesting characters, a familairish story told from a new perspective, the soundtrack certainly helps, but a film is only as good as the sum of its parts, and like well taken care of car, this film has to potential to run for a very long time.
With a final score of 10/10, I am so happy to present
The Best Film of 2017 Award
Baby Driver
Done. I’m going to be working on a new site for the blog for a while, so expect an update soon. I’m cancelling the fourth list also, but we’ll save it for another year.
Links:
Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? Lesser films than these, or is that too harsh?
Follow me on Social Media
Want something reviewed? Click Below to leave a suggestion.
Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
Without getting into the details, it’s been a pretty bad couple of days for me lately. Admittedly I almost didn’t want to do this list, last year was pretty crap, and this year is not off to a great start, so doing this would’ve almost felt like committing fraud. Instead, I’m writing this now under a different mindset:
These are the films that this year gave me a sense of hope. These were the films that reminded me no matter how bad life can get, there’s always good around the corner. No disqualifications this time, out of the 140 and 2/3rds of the movies I reviewed this year, we’re now counting down.
The Top Ten Best Films of 2017
10. Blade Runner 2049
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When Officer K (Ryan Gosling), a Blade Runner for the LAPD unearths a buried secret on an assignment, he finds himself following a new case that has potential to change everything.
Long? Yes, but when people ask why hollywood makes twenty years later sequel to things this will probably be the film I point at. I like the first blade runner don’t get me wrong, this one is my favourite of the pair. Call the reasoning however you like, the film grabbed me from the beginning and did not let me go despite it’s length. Denis Villeneuve has basically cemented himself as one of the great directors of our time and I eagerly await his next film.
Final Score 10/10
9. The Disaster Artist
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Based on the memoir of the same name, the film follows Greg Sestero (Dave Franco) as he befriends Tommy Wiseau (James Franco) and the ii’s journey to making one of the worst films of all time.
Rarely do I get to be part of the book before the movie crowd, and I’m glad I get to do it with this one because the room just fascinates me. Whenever I’m reminded of its existence, it gives me hope for my own rocky career. The thing that seals this for me is the fact that it’s also the rare fan film project that doesn’t suck. Why? Major Hollywood backing, that and James Franco literally putting his soul on the screen in this chasing your dreams story too silly to believe. And yet, it actually happened.
Final Score 10/10
8. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Seven months after her daughter’s murder, Mildred Hayes (Frances McDormand) puts up three billboards asking why it hasn’t been solved, stirring up the emotions of the small town in the process.
You know, this could’ve been an average murder mystery. Instead, we get a film so unconventional you’ll find yourself laughing and questioning why at the same time. Dark comedies have a tricky line to walk, but this was like watching a production of swan lake walk that line perfectly. I’m glad this film got the recognition it deserved.
Final Score 10/10
7. The Big Sick
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - The film follows Kumail (Kumail Nanjiani), a Pakistani comedian who begins dating a caucasian girl named Emily Gardner (Zoe Kazan.) When she finds out he is supposed to be entering an arranged marriage however, she breaks up with him. After she falls ill and is placed in a coma, Kumail finds himself drawn back to her, and in the process bonds with Emily’s parents Beth (Holly Hunter) and Terry (Ray Romano.)
Call this the dark horse contender of the year, I had doubts this one would live up to the hype. I like being wrong on things like that, and despite me having blanked on it for a while, I’m glad I rediscovered it while doing this list. This has been the most honest romcom I’ve seen in a long time, something even Trainwreck didn’t quite get right. It made its characters relatable, and put them in a truly heart wrenching situation. I know that sounds weird for a romcom, but maybe that’s what the genre needs. Please got let this film become the norm.
Final Score 10/10
6. A Ghost Story
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When a young man only known as C (Casey Affleck) is killed unexpectedly, his ghost lingers to watch his lover M (Rooney Mara) as both she, and the world, continues on without him.
That summary feels underwhelming, but I didn’t want to say it was just another arthouse love story, because even that doesn’t feel right. This film really snuck up on me, and so I really didn’t have much time to look into it before seeing it. This is one of those rare moments where I’ll simply say watch it, and if you like it let me know. Let me know if you didn’t either, I just want people to watch this.
Final Score 10/10
5. Lady Bird
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Following the 2002 - 2003 school year of the self named Lady Bird (Saoirse Ronan) as she deals with life and applying to college.
Boy I really undersold this film huh? Coming of age films are a dime a dozen, so what does it take to really stand out? Honesty. No pandering, no making shit light and fluffy, just pure honesty. I saw scenes in this film that I can easily remember happening to me as a kid, and I rarely get to say that with these films. Simple rule future filmmakers, don’t pander to your audience, people will see the truth.
Final Score 10/10
4. Ingrid Goes West
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Ingrid Thorburn (Aubrey Plaza) is mentally unstable young woman who, after losing her mother and suffering a series of personal setbacks, heads out to California to find Social Media Star Taylor Sloane (Elizabeth Olsen) and start her life anew….at least at first.
Christ there were a lot of slow weeks in 2017. Matches the year really, thank god we had films like this to fill the slump. The original review for this got heavily slept on, and it’s time to correct that. A film that finally talks about the dangers of social media obsession in a way that people will actually listen to. This film almost feels like a spy movie in presentation, sneaking it’s way into your head before pulling the carpet out from under you. Do you know anyone who instagrams to a dangerous extent? This is the intervention movie for you. Sell it to them as a dark comedy though, it nails that perfectly. Oh, and I finally joined the Aubrey Plaza fan club, so there.
Final Score 10/10
3. Logan
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - In the year 2029, an aging Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) is living on the Mexico side of the border, with an aging and senile Professor X (Patrick Stewart) and the mutant Caliban (Stephen Merchant). When a mysterious young girl makes her way to them, Logan and The Professor must get her to a rendezvous point before Logan’s illness overcomes him.
We had a lot of great superhero films this year. We will probably have a lot of great ones next year, Logan will still continue to stand tall. If Deadpool was marvel at its goofiest, Logan was it’s more serious counterpart. A great final film for Jackson in the role, and probably the best showcase of the character we will ever see, as much as I’m glad that the X men are going back to Marvel, I’ll be damned if this movie got lost in the shuffle. No matter what though, this film will stand for a long time.
Final Score 10/10
2. Get Out
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When Chris Washington (Daniel Kaluuya) agrees to visit his girlfriend’s parents for the weekend, but he is apprehensive as he’s black and she’s white. When they arrive, Chris begins to notice strange doings around the house, as he begins to suspect something more sinister going on underneath.
Holy shit this one was a while back. It’s also a film that’s terrifying on multiple levels. Not even IT had that many layers to it, but this had something that IT didn’t: A deeper message. I think it was this film that finally reached out to a lot of people’s social consciousness this year whether they realized it or not. Whatever Jordan Peele does next, count me the fuck in.
Final Score 10/10
And now, because I love to keep you people in suspense, let’s take a look at…
Honourable Mentions
mother! (8/10) - Any film that gets people talking that much must be doing something right. Graphic as fuck? Sure, and your point is?
Girls Trip (9/10) - Hey a chick flick that doesn’t suck? Yes please, can we keep making them like this? Seriously. This was awesome because it was actually funny.
Spiderman: Homecoming (10/10) - Yes, this admittedly should’ve been a 9, but it’s my list screw you….I put it here instead. I’m just so happy it was that good. Infinity War is going to be awesome.
Kong: Skull Island (8/10) - Hey Dark universe? This is how you do a monster based cinematic universe. I await the next Godzilla eagerly.
The Devotion of Suspect X (9/10) - So I’m an idiot, this was the best foreign film I’ve seen all year. This is my correction, I’m tired sue me.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this next one, will hopefully not surprise you.
Baby Driver
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Baby (Ansel Elgort) is a heist getaway driver paying off a debt to a crime lord known as Doc (Kevin Spacey.) When he meets the girl of his dreams and tries to get out, he finds getting out isn’t as easy as he thought.
Yeah so I kind of called this one as my favourite pretty early on huh? Much like Swiss Army Man I went in knowing nothing and came out with my mind blown. Not only do I have the poster, and the dvd, and the soundtrack that I’ve been listening to on repeat (even while writing these lists) this was also the film I set a new personal record with. I saw it four times in theatres. 4. The term this has fallen under is soundtrack film, but I think there’s a lot more to it than that. Great cast, Interesting characters, a familairish story told from a new perspective, the soundtrack certainly helps, but a film is only as good as the sum of its parts, and like well taken care of car, this film has to potential to run for a very long time.
With a final score of 10/10, I am so happy to present
The Best Film of 2017 Award
Baby Driver
Done. I’m going to be working on a new site for the blog for a while, so expect an update soon. I’m cancelling the fourth list also, but we’ll save it for another year.
Links:
Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? Lesser films than these, or is that too harsh?
Follow me on Social Media
Want something reviewed? Click Below to leave a suggestion.
Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
Wednesday, 3 January 2018
Movie Review Special: The Top Ten Most Dissapointing Films of 2017
Hello All,
This list is admittedly more for me. I watch a lot of films over the course of an average year and I like to make sure a good chunk of them get covered. This list is also great to talk about the type of films I find disappointing, the stuff I had high hopes for and while they weren’t the worst films, they certainly could’ve been better. The rules for this list: 7 is best, 4 is worst, and middle is descending numerically, but still fair game for any film. But first, we have disqualifications.
Disqualifications
Apart from the Stories in your mind (7/10) It’s the best short film I’ve been asked to review this year. I meant that sincerely.
Justice League (6/10) This was better than it honestly deserved to be, especially after...what happened. Zack, I do have copies of 300 and Watchmen. Do you know Kevin Smith? You guys will get along nicely. I will buy this one day, and I will watch it again.
Pokemon the Movie I Choose You (5/10) It wins, regardless of how much I kind of liked it, the worst title of the year award. Good Enough for me.
The Fate of The Furious (6/10) Because I actually liked this one. If it’s ever two for twenty bucks with justice league. At minimum.
Tie: Tatara Samurai (4/10) - Tokyo Ghoul (7/10) - The worst and best foreign film I saw this year. And the reason this got to five films.
Alright? Alright. It’s time to count down.
The Top Ten Most Disappointing Films of 2017
10. Ferdinand
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Ferdinand (John Cena) is a flower loving bull who refuses to fight. When he is stung by a bee and goes on a rampage however, he ends up being taken far from home, and is forced to face the thing he hates to do the most.
This was the more memorable John Cena movie that came out this year, and he was really good in it. This is on here entirely because of that idiotic dance sequence that I deducted three points for. Let this film serve as a simple reminder: there are ways to extend running times for kids films, that don’t involve pandering to the lowest common denominator. Can we please start making kids films great again? Please?
Final Score - 6/10
9. Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Men Tell No Tales
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites) seeks out the mythical trident of poseidon to break his father’s curse. To do this, he enlists the help of his father’s old friend, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp.)
The first pirates movie is a rewatch favourite of mine. Every film since then less and less so. This film is the one that has finally made me stop caring. I hate to say they’re beating a dead horse, so instead I’ll say that I think the dead men have no more pirates tales to tell. Yes I’m aware of the end credits scene, but when was the last time you heard they were making Pirates 6?
Final Score - 5/10
8. The Great Wall
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - William Garin (Matt Damon) has travelled to China with his companion in search of black powder. However, when they are captured by a group called The Nameless Order who defends the great wall, he gets entangled in their ancient battle against a mysterious evil.
The China - Hollywood love affair seems to be cooling down at the moment, and it wouldn’t surprise me if this film was one of the reasons why. Mostly because I think that we might be able to convince people that this was a film made by aliens who had only a basic understanding as to how movies work. Either that or this is proof that hollywood executive idiocy knows no language barrier.
Final Score - 5/10
7. Murder on the Orient Express
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - While aboard the famous Orient Express, Detective Poirot (Kenneth Branagh) must solve the murder of a high profile gangster.
I don’t read a lot of books, but I knew about Orient Express. This didn’t feel like a great orient express movie, it just felt like a weird retelling of it. With more emphasis on the dialogue rather than the mystery, this one is a very basic qualification for disappointment because it’s just not what I was expecting. Let’s hope the sequel is better, if they follow through.
Final Score - 5/10
6. Beauty and the Beast
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - in mid 1700’s france, Belle (Emma Watson) is a social outcast in her village, where she lives with her father, and eludes the romantic attempts of Gaston (Luke Evans), the village hero. When her father is captured in the strange castle of The Beast (Dan Stevens), she offers to take his place, while unknowingly falling into the plan of the cursed housestaff who set out to return themselves to normal.
The disney live action remake train is alive and well, so why was this so mediocre? Granted I’m not the biggest fan of the original, but a chance to update it and they only changed things a tiny bit? Why? This could’ve been a great way to shake up the disney formula in the same style as Frozen. Instead, we got to see Emma Watson sing. Yay?
Final Score - 5/10
5. Before I Fall
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Samantha Kingston (Zoey Deutch) is a high school senior who seems to be living the same day of her life over and over again. Stuck in the loop, she soon thinks of what she might have to do to break the cycle.
So we’re really ripping off groundhog day huh? Fine, Happy Death Day proved that it could work kind of. Before I fall feels like the thing you feel before you fall: Air. They did nothing with the concept except make it about young adult stuff, a genre which is starting to die (hopefully.) So yeah, this one is merely here to serve as a enigma. It’s just a strange mesh of ideas that amount to meh.
Final Score - 5/10
5. The Lost City of Z
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Based on the true story of Percy Fawcett (Charlie Hunnam) and his journey to find a mythical lost amazonian city, which he called Zed.
This film is here for two reasons. First: Tom, Charlie, you wo guys really need to get yourselves better films than this because this is just the kind of filler that will ruin careers because no one will see them. Two: because this is dull as dog dirt. You had a real life story of an explorer and you made it painfully boring. Don’t get me wrong it’s a great looking film….that’s it. More like lost city of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz am I right?
Final Score - 5/10
3. Birth of the Dragon
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Inspired by the true story, Birth of the Dragon tells the story around of a legendary fight between Martial Arts Legend Bruce Lee and Shaolin Monk Master Wong Jack Man.
You took a movie about a fight between two legendary martial artists, made the main character a made up white guy, and threw in a star crossed lovers story with chinese gangsters, and it was still boring? Just…..how? To be fair though, this got my dad to like a kung fu movie, so that’s why it’s not on the last list. Still pissed me off though.
Final Score - 5/10
2. Monster Trucks
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Tripp Coley (Lucas Till) is a high school senior who only has two goals: to build his truck, and leave his small town behind him. However, when trouble arises at the nearby oilfield, Tripp finds himself helping out an unusual friend.
So this is one of those cases of a film being delayed over and over and then being dumped in January. The took some good casting, and some above average ideas for these kinds of lazy kids films and surrounded it with mediocrity. I hate seeing potential wasted, this is just a bleh film that could’ve been okay.
Final Score - 4/10
But before we get to the most disappointing, we have a few…
Dishonourable Mentions
Underworld: Blood Wars (5/10) - Less offensive than resident evil, at least this one didn’t betray the mythology.
A Dog’s Purpose (5/10) - This is what we call emotional manipulation at its finest. I’m not gonna lie though, manly tears were shed. I’m not made of stone dammit.
Personal Shopper (7/10) - Uhm, I kind of need to watch this one again, maybe I missed the point?
Una (7/10) - Maybe this one’s over my head, but I just don’t know what to make of it.
The Foreigner (6/10) - This has been Jackie’s best american movie in quite some time. We were lucky it was this good.
And now, it’s time for the most disappointing film of 2017...
1. Their Finest
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - In the height of World War Two, a team of filmmakers are tasked with taking a true story from Dunkirk, and turning it into a film that will boost the nation's morale.
Did you know that there’s an accidental Dunkirk Trilogy for 2017? If you watch Darkest Hour, then Dunkirk, then this, you’d have a film about dunkirk before, during, and after. Too bad this last film is not that great. It goes in too quick, doesn’t develop too much, and throws in a forced romance angle that does nothing. This is to me at least, a textbook example of potential wasted and it’s a damn shame. This is more than enough for me to do this…
With a final score of 4/10, Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you….
The Most Disappointing Film of the Year Award for 2017
Their Finest
This was a tough list. Just like the year itself. Let’s see what we got next.
Next: The Best Films of 2017 - Ah shit I spoke too soon.
Links:
Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? So much anger.
Follow me on Social Media
Want something reviewed? Click Below to leave a suggestion.
Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
This list is admittedly more for me. I watch a lot of films over the course of an average year and I like to make sure a good chunk of them get covered. This list is also great to talk about the type of films I find disappointing, the stuff I had high hopes for and while they weren’t the worst films, they certainly could’ve been better. The rules for this list: 7 is best, 4 is worst, and middle is descending numerically, but still fair game for any film. But first, we have disqualifications.
Disqualifications
Apart from the Stories in your mind (7/10) It’s the best short film I’ve been asked to review this year. I meant that sincerely.
Justice League (6/10) This was better than it honestly deserved to be, especially after...what happened. Zack, I do have copies of 300 and Watchmen. Do you know Kevin Smith? You guys will get along nicely. I will buy this one day, and I will watch it again.
Pokemon the Movie I Choose You (5/10) It wins, regardless of how much I kind of liked it, the worst title of the year award. Good Enough for me.
The Fate of The Furious (6/10) Because I actually liked this one. If it’s ever two for twenty bucks with justice league. At minimum.
Tie: Tatara Samurai (4/10) - Tokyo Ghoul (7/10) - The worst and best foreign film I saw this year. And the reason this got to five films.
Alright? Alright. It’s time to count down.
The Top Ten Most Disappointing Films of 2017
10. Ferdinand
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Ferdinand (John Cena) is a flower loving bull who refuses to fight. When he is stung by a bee and goes on a rampage however, he ends up being taken far from home, and is forced to face the thing he hates to do the most.
This was the more memorable John Cena movie that came out this year, and he was really good in it. This is on here entirely because of that idiotic dance sequence that I deducted three points for. Let this film serve as a simple reminder: there are ways to extend running times for kids films, that don’t involve pandering to the lowest common denominator. Can we please start making kids films great again? Please?
Final Score - 6/10
9. Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Men Tell No Tales
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites) seeks out the mythical trident of poseidon to break his father’s curse. To do this, he enlists the help of his father’s old friend, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp.)
The first pirates movie is a rewatch favourite of mine. Every film since then less and less so. This film is the one that has finally made me stop caring. I hate to say they’re beating a dead horse, so instead I’ll say that I think the dead men have no more pirates tales to tell. Yes I’m aware of the end credits scene, but when was the last time you heard they were making Pirates 6?
Final Score - 5/10
8. The Great Wall
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - William Garin (Matt Damon) has travelled to China with his companion in search of black powder. However, when they are captured by a group called The Nameless Order who defends the great wall, he gets entangled in their ancient battle against a mysterious evil.
The China - Hollywood love affair seems to be cooling down at the moment, and it wouldn’t surprise me if this film was one of the reasons why. Mostly because I think that we might be able to convince people that this was a film made by aliens who had only a basic understanding as to how movies work. Either that or this is proof that hollywood executive idiocy knows no language barrier.
Final Score - 5/10
7. Murder on the Orient Express
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - While aboard the famous Orient Express, Detective Poirot (Kenneth Branagh) must solve the murder of a high profile gangster.
I don’t read a lot of books, but I knew about Orient Express. This didn’t feel like a great orient express movie, it just felt like a weird retelling of it. With more emphasis on the dialogue rather than the mystery, this one is a very basic qualification for disappointment because it’s just not what I was expecting. Let’s hope the sequel is better, if they follow through.
Final Score - 5/10
6. Beauty and the Beast
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - in mid 1700’s france, Belle (Emma Watson) is a social outcast in her village, where she lives with her father, and eludes the romantic attempts of Gaston (Luke Evans), the village hero. When her father is captured in the strange castle of The Beast (Dan Stevens), she offers to take his place, while unknowingly falling into the plan of the cursed housestaff who set out to return themselves to normal.
The disney live action remake train is alive and well, so why was this so mediocre? Granted I’m not the biggest fan of the original, but a chance to update it and they only changed things a tiny bit? Why? This could’ve been a great way to shake up the disney formula in the same style as Frozen. Instead, we got to see Emma Watson sing. Yay?
Final Score - 5/10
5. Before I Fall
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Samantha Kingston (Zoey Deutch) is a high school senior who seems to be living the same day of her life over and over again. Stuck in the loop, she soon thinks of what she might have to do to break the cycle.
So we’re really ripping off groundhog day huh? Fine, Happy Death Day proved that it could work kind of. Before I fall feels like the thing you feel before you fall: Air. They did nothing with the concept except make it about young adult stuff, a genre which is starting to die (hopefully.) So yeah, this one is merely here to serve as a enigma. It’s just a strange mesh of ideas that amount to meh.
Final Score - 5/10
5. The Lost City of Z
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Based on the true story of Percy Fawcett (Charlie Hunnam) and his journey to find a mythical lost amazonian city, which he called Zed.
This film is here for two reasons. First: Tom, Charlie, you wo guys really need to get yourselves better films than this because this is just the kind of filler that will ruin careers because no one will see them. Two: because this is dull as dog dirt. You had a real life story of an explorer and you made it painfully boring. Don’t get me wrong it’s a great looking film….that’s it. More like lost city of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz am I right?
Final Score - 5/10
3. Birth of the Dragon
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Inspired by the true story, Birth of the Dragon tells the story around of a legendary fight between Martial Arts Legend Bruce Lee and Shaolin Monk Master Wong Jack Man.
You took a movie about a fight between two legendary martial artists, made the main character a made up white guy, and threw in a star crossed lovers story with chinese gangsters, and it was still boring? Just…..how? To be fair though, this got my dad to like a kung fu movie, so that’s why it’s not on the last list. Still pissed me off though.
Final Score - 5/10
2. Monster Trucks
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Tripp Coley (Lucas Till) is a high school senior who only has two goals: to build his truck, and leave his small town behind him. However, when trouble arises at the nearby oilfield, Tripp finds himself helping out an unusual friend.
So this is one of those cases of a film being delayed over and over and then being dumped in January. The took some good casting, and some above average ideas for these kinds of lazy kids films and surrounded it with mediocrity. I hate seeing potential wasted, this is just a bleh film that could’ve been okay.
Final Score - 4/10
But before we get to the most disappointing, we have a few…
Dishonourable Mentions
Underworld: Blood Wars (5/10) - Less offensive than resident evil, at least this one didn’t betray the mythology.
A Dog’s Purpose (5/10) - This is what we call emotional manipulation at its finest. I’m not gonna lie though, manly tears were shed. I’m not made of stone dammit.
Personal Shopper (7/10) - Uhm, I kind of need to watch this one again, maybe I missed the point?
Una (7/10) - Maybe this one’s over my head, but I just don’t know what to make of it.
The Foreigner (6/10) - This has been Jackie’s best american movie in quite some time. We were lucky it was this good.
And now, it’s time for the most disappointing film of 2017...
1. Their Finest
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - In the height of World War Two, a team of filmmakers are tasked with taking a true story from Dunkirk, and turning it into a film that will boost the nation's morale.
Did you know that there’s an accidental Dunkirk Trilogy for 2017? If you watch Darkest Hour, then Dunkirk, then this, you’d have a film about dunkirk before, during, and after. Too bad this last film is not that great. It goes in too quick, doesn’t develop too much, and throws in a forced romance angle that does nothing. This is to me at least, a textbook example of potential wasted and it’s a damn shame. This is more than enough for me to do this…
With a final score of 4/10, Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you….
The Most Disappointing Film of the Year Award for 2017
Their Finest
This was a tough list. Just like the year itself. Let’s see what we got next.
Next: The Best Films of 2017 - Ah shit I spoke too soon.
Links:
Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? So much anger.
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Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
Tuesday, 2 January 2018
Movie Review Special: The Worst Films of 2017
Hello All,
(This had really nice formatting that got lost in the transfer from google docs to here. I hate that this is still an issue.)
I’m just glad it’s over. 2017 felt like it was going to be inevitably bad, and while there were the odd bright moments here and there, overall I think we’re all relieved. While there is a lot to talk about this year (especially in movies) for now though I truly believe that we need this. First though, disqualifications.
Disqualified Worst List
The Mountain Between Us (I couldn’t finish it. It was just that dumb. I don’t rate films I don’t fully watch)
Transformers The Last Knight (0/10) (Call it the number 0 of this list, because just like the number 0, I’d prefer to not mention this one again unless I have to. Fuck you Michael Bay, stop making these movies for real this time.)
With that done, won’t you join me folks, as we count down….
The Top Ten Worst Films of 2017
10. The Snowman
For the original review, click here
Plot Summary - When women start going missing, detective Harry Hole (Michael Fassbender) begins to suspect there’s a serial killer, who leaves a snowman as his mark.
You know I’m sad this film made it on this list. Sure it’s at the bottom, but I was still looking forward to this one. It’s not really anyone’s fault except the studio, the filmmakers weren’t given enough time to finish filming the whole script and the studio still put it out knowing that. I actually went and bought the book, just because the film told me so little that I’m really dying to know what was left out. Not much more to say here, this is just a cautionary tale.
Final Score - 1/10
9. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - After being betrayed in Washington, Alice (Milla Jovovich) now finds herself in an unusual alliance with the Red Queen. Her goal, to retrieve an T-Virus antivirus, and save the world, before the umbrella corporation wipes out what’s left of humanity.
You know in my younger days I was actually a fan of this series? I even have the first two on dvd, and they still hold a nostalgic place in my heart. This film kicks most of the continuity straight in the dick, and decides to rush through to an ending that was clearly done so they can just reboot this franchise in a few years. That would be bad enough, but the fact that this film also made me physically ill while watching it earns it this spot on the list. Hopefully the reboot will be good.
Final Score - 1/10
8. Flatliners
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When five friends embark on an experiment to find out what happens when you die, the results turn out to be more deadly than they could have ever imagined.
If I was a lazier man, I would just simply say this was the most boring horror movie I’ve seen all year. While that is the film’s biggest problem, I just kind of feel bad for everyone involved. The cast has some actors I really like and I hate to see them in boring, predictable, nonsense like this. This also wins for most pointless reboot award for this year so…
Winner: Most Pointless Reboot of 2017
There will be other winners like this.
Final Score - 1/10
7. Kidnap
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Karla Dyson (Halle Berry) is a single mother out with her son. When she looks away for a moment and turns back, she sees him getting kidnapped and begins the chase after him.
Emotional manipulation the movie. No but seriously this one….just puzzles me. After getting delayed multiple times, they finally dumped this out in August (I think that poster pic is not exactly great) and well….who remembers this? Me apparently, but this one was glaring at me on my list of contenders and I knew it had to be here. The stop and start script (plus the above mentioned manipulation) leaves you with a film that just makes you think what the fuck did I just watch? Oh and before I forget…
Winner: Worst Green Screen Effect of 2017
I mean I know you can’t hang a kid out of a car for real, but jesus christ I’ve seen better green screens when I was in high school. Back in 2008.
Final Score - 1/10
6. The Dark Tower
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - One year after the death of his father, Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor) starts having dreams about a tower, a man in black, and a gunslinger. When bad guys begin to circle Jake however, he finds a portal to another world, and finds his dreams are more real than he thinks.
I’m being slightly lazy and just re-using my original plot summary paragraphs from the original reviews, and re reading this one, I have no idea what happened in this movie. Why? Because they tried to jam so much backstory into a 95 minute movie. That’s an hour and thirty five minutes to cover a series that has a shit ton of source material. With the IT remake coming out this year also, I would like to think the era of shitty Stephen King movies is basically over, but this will be the unremovable stain if that is to be the case. Oh, and also…
Winner: Worst Adaptation of 2017
At least The Snowman tried...more than this at least.
Final Score - 1/10
5. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When Arthur (Charlie Hunnam), a street rat, learns that he is in fact the true heir to the throne after pulling out the sword Excalibur from its stone, he must confront the realities of being a king and overthrowing the tyrant Vortigern (Jude Law).
So how do you retell a known story? Do you skip over the familiar bits of it and fill the rest with half baked ideas, mostly stolen from other movies? If you said yes, Hi Guy Ritchie, sorry your passion project sucks. I hated to put this on here, hell I really wanted it to be good...but this? This was the best you had? Do us a favour sir, go find your groove and get it back. Maybe Jason Statham has another one word action film he can get you to do. Or watch The Rock’s version of Hercules and see what you did wrong.
Final Score - 1/10
4. The Mummy
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When an ancient egyptian princess is uncovered by Military Officer Nick Morton (Tom Cruise), an ancient evil begins to stir and Nick must team up with some unusual allies in order to save the day.
The other big disappointment for me, this one I was also excited about. Modern updates of the universal monster movies, and they want to make a Marvel style cinematic universe? Sign me the fuck up. Then we got this and...I’m so sorry Tom Cruise. At least the falling plane scene was awesome as fuck. I suppose the film will just have to serve as the lesson hollywood will never learn: If you want to copy someone else, at least actually know how they got it to work. By focusing more on setting up the universe than on the actual movie itself, all you leave us with is a nothing movie, about nothing, that does nothing. RIP Dark Universe, I so wanted this to work.
Winner: Biggest Letdown of 2017
Final Score - 1/10
3. The Circle
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When tech worker Mae Holland (Emma Watson) joins a powerful Company known as The Circle, she quickly climbs the ranks and gains fame along the way, but starts to realize the price she pays for having her life available 24 hours a day.
I think the best way to describe the film like this: Imagine that you know a lot about technology, but your parents are bad with technology. Now imagine that you’ve been tied to a table are being forced to listen to them describe every aspect of technology, not only incorrectly, but they’re also agreeing with every false myth you’ve heard about the dangers of it all. Sure they occasionally touch on the edge of being correct, but just when you think they’ll keep going with that, they get smacked in the head and told they’re wrong. Now sprinkle in boring characters, bad writing, and non existant pacing in there and that’s this film in a nutshell. In an era where Net Neutrality (in the states) is being threatened again, and the NSA can spy on anybody, whoever thought making the message of this film the idea that everyone should be transparent online all the time, is either foolish, ignorant, being bribed, or some combination of those. I hate this movie, and everyone involved should question what their morals are.
Final Score - 1/10
2. Fifty Shades Darker
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - After the events of the first film, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) runs into Christian (Jamie Dornan), and decides to start their relationship over again.
Christ this fucking movie. I live streamed my reaction to this one (unfortunately that video is stuck in twitch limbo) and honestly I wish I could’ve delayed this one further. I only saw the first one because of a joke, and if I had known at the time just how deep and shitty the rabbit hole got I would’ve just ran. This is just painful, and not in the fun way like real BDSM (so I’ve heard), and it took the only moment of any real potential to see some character growth and development in the movie and shot it in the head gangland style. That’s how much this fucking movie sucks, it kills its own creative moments. I watched this with my dad by the way, the man doesn’t see many films but he really hated this. Me on the other hand, I still hate this franchise, but the only reason I can’t put this at number one is because at least this one can appeal to people….somehow.
Final Score - 1/10
So what’s the worst film of 2017? We’ll soon find out, but first we have….
The Dishonourable Mentions
The Boss Baby (3/10) - I honestly thought that this was going to be the worst of the kids films this year for quite some time. I’m not happy I’m wrong though, I feel like they should’ve just aborted the thing and saved us all some grief. In case you’re wondering, I meant the film and the kid (Fight me bruh.)
American Assassin (3/10) - There’s always one film every year that everyone else seems to like that I don’t. This one is this year’s entry. It’s just the same type of story these films always do, except more boring. Dylan O'Brien needs better work, hopefully death cure will be at least watchable.
Wonder Wheel (2/10) - The repetitive dialogue still haunts my fucking dreams. Is Woody Allen just getting to the old man making movie point in his life and nobody’s doing quality control anymore? It’s the best answer I can think of.
The Bye Bye Man (1/10) - A clear victim of a PG-13 butchering, January horror films are basically cannon fodder at this point. Looking right at you Insidious the last key. That name still sucks also.
All Eyez On Me (1/10) - Consider it the number 11 for this year’s list, it’s really not a film worth the man’s legacy, and quite frankly it’s amazing to me anyone approved it.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…
The Worst Film of 2017
The Emoji Movie
For the original review click here
“Plot Summary” - Gene (T.J. Miller) is a ‘meh’ emoji living in textopolis inside of his user’s phone. When he blows his big shot at meh due to his ability to express other emotions, he decides to leave textopolis and get himself fixed, but finds the journey will be harder than they expected.
The fact that I wrote the original review as a suicide note as a joke should really be the end all to this, but I want to put more effort into this than they did into this movie so I’m going to keep going. This is everything (that I can remember that’s) wrong with this movie:
Lazy jokes for the kids
The inappropriate jokes for the adults
The half assed at best “feminist messages” in the film. Trust me, it’s just pandering.
The literal ad and instructions for Candy Crush they called a scene.
Repeat the above for just dance.
Lazy tie ins to other popular apps.
The surprisingly inaccurate knowledge of how phones and other tech related things actually work or actually are (They seriously couldn’t ask an IT guy for clarification or anything?)
The lack of original ideas, story, or plot points.
But here’s the thing I realized while doing this list. From the moment they announced this movie, every single person predicted it was going to be bad. Seriously. Never before have I seen everybody hate every single piece of news related to this film before it even got made. Sony must have been hearing this, and do you know what they did to try and prove people wrong?
FUCKING
NOTHING.
They still made the laziest, easiest, most pandering, misguided, braindead, tone deaf, film that everyone knew they were going to make. Sony Pictures Animation, what the fuck are you even doing anymore? You know Sony itself wants to sell the film division right? And yet you still make crap like this? If you guys hate your jobs this much, fucking go bankrupt and save us from anymore of this fucking piece of garbage you people have the goddamn audacity to call a MOVIE!
With a Final Score of 1/10, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you…
The TMNT Award Winner for The Worst Film of 2017:
The Emoji Movie
Ah, that felt good.
Thank you all for joining me on this, hopefully that was as good for you as it was for me.
Next: The Most Disappointing films of 2017 - I feel like this one will be slightly harder than this one.
Links:
Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? Films not on this list.
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Want something reviewed? Click Below to leave a suggestion.
Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
(This had really nice formatting that got lost in the transfer from google docs to here. I hate that this is still an issue.)
I’m just glad it’s over. 2017 felt like it was going to be inevitably bad, and while there were the odd bright moments here and there, overall I think we’re all relieved. While there is a lot to talk about this year (especially in movies) for now though I truly believe that we need this. First though, disqualifications.
Disqualified Worst List
The Mountain Between Us (I couldn’t finish it. It was just that dumb. I don’t rate films I don’t fully watch)
Transformers The Last Knight (0/10) (Call it the number 0 of this list, because just like the number 0, I’d prefer to not mention this one again unless I have to. Fuck you Michael Bay, stop making these movies for real this time.)
With that done, won’t you join me folks, as we count down….
The Top Ten Worst Films of 2017
10. The Snowman
For the original review, click here
Plot Summary - When women start going missing, detective Harry Hole (Michael Fassbender) begins to suspect there’s a serial killer, who leaves a snowman as his mark.
You know I’m sad this film made it on this list. Sure it’s at the bottom, but I was still looking forward to this one. It’s not really anyone’s fault except the studio, the filmmakers weren’t given enough time to finish filming the whole script and the studio still put it out knowing that. I actually went and bought the book, just because the film told me so little that I’m really dying to know what was left out. Not much more to say here, this is just a cautionary tale.
Final Score - 1/10
9. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - After being betrayed in Washington, Alice (Milla Jovovich) now finds herself in an unusual alliance with the Red Queen. Her goal, to retrieve an T-Virus antivirus, and save the world, before the umbrella corporation wipes out what’s left of humanity.
You know in my younger days I was actually a fan of this series? I even have the first two on dvd, and they still hold a nostalgic place in my heart. This film kicks most of the continuity straight in the dick, and decides to rush through to an ending that was clearly done so they can just reboot this franchise in a few years. That would be bad enough, but the fact that this film also made me physically ill while watching it earns it this spot on the list. Hopefully the reboot will be good.
Final Score - 1/10
8. Flatliners
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When five friends embark on an experiment to find out what happens when you die, the results turn out to be more deadly than they could have ever imagined.
If I was a lazier man, I would just simply say this was the most boring horror movie I’ve seen all year. While that is the film’s biggest problem, I just kind of feel bad for everyone involved. The cast has some actors I really like and I hate to see them in boring, predictable, nonsense like this. This also wins for most pointless reboot award for this year so…
Winner: Most Pointless Reboot of 2017
There will be other winners like this.
Final Score - 1/10
7. Kidnap
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - Karla Dyson (Halle Berry) is a single mother out with her son. When she looks away for a moment and turns back, she sees him getting kidnapped and begins the chase after him.
Emotional manipulation the movie. No but seriously this one….just puzzles me. After getting delayed multiple times, they finally dumped this out in August (I think that poster pic is not exactly great) and well….who remembers this? Me apparently, but this one was glaring at me on my list of contenders and I knew it had to be here. The stop and start script (plus the above mentioned manipulation) leaves you with a film that just makes you think what the fuck did I just watch? Oh and before I forget…
Winner: Worst Green Screen Effect of 2017
I mean I know you can’t hang a kid out of a car for real, but jesus christ I’ve seen better green screens when I was in high school. Back in 2008.
Final Score - 1/10
6. The Dark Tower
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - One year after the death of his father, Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor) starts having dreams about a tower, a man in black, and a gunslinger. When bad guys begin to circle Jake however, he finds a portal to another world, and finds his dreams are more real than he thinks.
I’m being slightly lazy and just re-using my original plot summary paragraphs from the original reviews, and re reading this one, I have no idea what happened in this movie. Why? Because they tried to jam so much backstory into a 95 minute movie. That’s an hour and thirty five minutes to cover a series that has a shit ton of source material. With the IT remake coming out this year also, I would like to think the era of shitty Stephen King movies is basically over, but this will be the unremovable stain if that is to be the case. Oh, and also…
Winner: Worst Adaptation of 2017
At least The Snowman tried...more than this at least.
Final Score - 1/10
5. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When Arthur (Charlie Hunnam), a street rat, learns that he is in fact the true heir to the throne after pulling out the sword Excalibur from its stone, he must confront the realities of being a king and overthrowing the tyrant Vortigern (Jude Law).
So how do you retell a known story? Do you skip over the familiar bits of it and fill the rest with half baked ideas, mostly stolen from other movies? If you said yes, Hi Guy Ritchie, sorry your passion project sucks. I hated to put this on here, hell I really wanted it to be good...but this? This was the best you had? Do us a favour sir, go find your groove and get it back. Maybe Jason Statham has another one word action film he can get you to do. Or watch The Rock’s version of Hercules and see what you did wrong.
Final Score - 1/10
4. The Mummy
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When an ancient egyptian princess is uncovered by Military Officer Nick Morton (Tom Cruise), an ancient evil begins to stir and Nick must team up with some unusual allies in order to save the day.
The other big disappointment for me, this one I was also excited about. Modern updates of the universal monster movies, and they want to make a Marvel style cinematic universe? Sign me the fuck up. Then we got this and...I’m so sorry Tom Cruise. At least the falling plane scene was awesome as fuck. I suppose the film will just have to serve as the lesson hollywood will never learn: If you want to copy someone else, at least actually know how they got it to work. By focusing more on setting up the universe than on the actual movie itself, all you leave us with is a nothing movie, about nothing, that does nothing. RIP Dark Universe, I so wanted this to work.
Winner: Biggest Letdown of 2017
Final Score - 1/10
3. The Circle
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - When tech worker Mae Holland (Emma Watson) joins a powerful Company known as The Circle, she quickly climbs the ranks and gains fame along the way, but starts to realize the price she pays for having her life available 24 hours a day.
I think the best way to describe the film like this: Imagine that you know a lot about technology, but your parents are bad with technology. Now imagine that you’ve been tied to a table are being forced to listen to them describe every aspect of technology, not only incorrectly, but they’re also agreeing with every false myth you’ve heard about the dangers of it all. Sure they occasionally touch on the edge of being correct, but just when you think they’ll keep going with that, they get smacked in the head and told they’re wrong. Now sprinkle in boring characters, bad writing, and non existant pacing in there and that’s this film in a nutshell. In an era where Net Neutrality (in the states) is being threatened again, and the NSA can spy on anybody, whoever thought making the message of this film the idea that everyone should be transparent online all the time, is either foolish, ignorant, being bribed, or some combination of those. I hate this movie, and everyone involved should question what their morals are.
Final Score - 1/10
2. Fifty Shades Darker
For the original review click here
Plot Summary - After the events of the first film, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) runs into Christian (Jamie Dornan), and decides to start their relationship over again.
Christ this fucking movie. I live streamed my reaction to this one (unfortunately that video is stuck in twitch limbo) and honestly I wish I could’ve delayed this one further. I only saw the first one because of a joke, and if I had known at the time just how deep and shitty the rabbit hole got I would’ve just ran. This is just painful, and not in the fun way like real BDSM (so I’ve heard), and it took the only moment of any real potential to see some character growth and development in the movie and shot it in the head gangland style. That’s how much this fucking movie sucks, it kills its own creative moments. I watched this with my dad by the way, the man doesn’t see many films but he really hated this. Me on the other hand, I still hate this franchise, but the only reason I can’t put this at number one is because at least this one can appeal to people….somehow.
Final Score - 1/10
So what’s the worst film of 2017? We’ll soon find out, but first we have….
The Dishonourable Mentions
The Boss Baby (3/10) - I honestly thought that this was going to be the worst of the kids films this year for quite some time. I’m not happy I’m wrong though, I feel like they should’ve just aborted the thing and saved us all some grief. In case you’re wondering, I meant the film and the kid (Fight me bruh.)
American Assassin (3/10) - There’s always one film every year that everyone else seems to like that I don’t. This one is this year’s entry. It’s just the same type of story these films always do, except more boring. Dylan O'Brien needs better work, hopefully death cure will be at least watchable.
Wonder Wheel (2/10) - The repetitive dialogue still haunts my fucking dreams. Is Woody Allen just getting to the old man making movie point in his life and nobody’s doing quality control anymore? It’s the best answer I can think of.
The Bye Bye Man (1/10) - A clear victim of a PG-13 butchering, January horror films are basically cannon fodder at this point. Looking right at you Insidious the last key. That name still sucks also.
All Eyez On Me (1/10) - Consider it the number 11 for this year’s list, it’s really not a film worth the man’s legacy, and quite frankly it’s amazing to me anyone approved it.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…
The Worst Film of 2017
The Emoji Movie
For the original review click here
“Plot Summary” - Gene (T.J. Miller) is a ‘meh’ emoji living in textopolis inside of his user’s phone. When he blows his big shot at meh due to his ability to express other emotions, he decides to leave textopolis and get himself fixed, but finds the journey will be harder than they expected.
The fact that I wrote the original review as a suicide note as a joke should really be the end all to this, but I want to put more effort into this than they did into this movie so I’m going to keep going. This is everything (that I can remember that’s) wrong with this movie:
Lazy jokes for the kids
The inappropriate jokes for the adults
The half assed at best “feminist messages” in the film. Trust me, it’s just pandering.
The literal ad and instructions for Candy Crush they called a scene.
Repeat the above for just dance.
Lazy tie ins to other popular apps.
The surprisingly inaccurate knowledge of how phones and other tech related things actually work or actually are (They seriously couldn’t ask an IT guy for clarification or anything?)
The lack of original ideas, story, or plot points.
But here’s the thing I realized while doing this list. From the moment they announced this movie, every single person predicted it was going to be bad. Seriously. Never before have I seen everybody hate every single piece of news related to this film before it even got made. Sony must have been hearing this, and do you know what they did to try and prove people wrong?
FUCKING
NOTHING.
They still made the laziest, easiest, most pandering, misguided, braindead, tone deaf, film that everyone knew they were going to make. Sony Pictures Animation, what the fuck are you even doing anymore? You know Sony itself wants to sell the film division right? And yet you still make crap like this? If you guys hate your jobs this much, fucking go bankrupt and save us from anymore of this fucking piece of garbage you people have the goddamn audacity to call a MOVIE!
With a Final Score of 1/10, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you…
The TMNT Award Winner for The Worst Film of 2017:
The Emoji Movie
Ah, that felt good.
Thank you all for joining me on this, hopefully that was as good for you as it was for me.
Next: The Most Disappointing films of 2017 - I feel like this one will be slightly harder than this one.
Links:
Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? Films not on this list.
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Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
Monday, 1 January 2018
Movie Review Special: The Last of Last Year (2017)
Hello All,
I am so sorry that these are technically late. By technically I mean they are, but what can I say, the holidays are kind of a strange time for movie reviewers. Between normal holiday festivities and the huge influx of new movies around this time I can see why some year end lists and reviews get stalled. Luckily though, after this, I can get straight into the year end lists, admittedly one of my favourite things to do. Will any of these films be on them? Let’s find out together shall we?
All the Money in the World Review.
Plot Summary - Based on the true story of the 1973 kidnapping of J. Paul Getty III, grandson of J. Paul Getty, who at the time was the richest man in the history of the world.
Pros - Addressing kind of the big elephant in the room (and admittedly the most likely reason why people know about this movie) is the fact that Christopher Plummer, the man who plays J. Paul Getty, was not only not the first choice, he wasn’t even in the movie until a short while ago. Don’t really want to get hung up on the details, look it up if you want to know, but the question is how well do these scenes of him mesh with the rest of the film? Quite well actually.
The cast is great in their respective roles, the films has this menacing look throughout that really matches the tone, and it’s quite a fascinating tale.
Cons - I knew about this story long before seeing the film, so the details didn’t surprise me. That being said, the film never really manages to grab you. All the right parts are there, but the sum of it is just never anything beyond something to watch.
Final Score - 5/10
It’s a film that whether or not you’ve ever been interested in seeing it, your opinion will probably not change.
The Greatest Showman Review
Plot Summary - Based on the true story of how P.T. Barnum (Hugh Jackman) started his circus and changed the lives of those around him.
Pros - Jackman is great as Barnum, and the supporting cast all do a great deal of good as well. The songs, while not my favourite, are still good and the choreography is actually solid.
Cons - The story itself has way too familiar plot points, and it’s also paper thin in that regard as well. There are some interesting side stories, but they mostly are either predictable or fizzle out. The plot structure is also odd as well.
Final Score - 7/10
If the story itself was better thought out, this could’ve been a lot better. I also still find it a bit puzzling that it is a musical, but in that aspect it actually could’ve been worse than it was because of it. I hope that makes sense.
The Shape of Water Review
Plot Summary - A mute woman named Elisa (Sally Hawkins), who works at a high security government facility, befriends and then tries to free, an amphibious fish creature (Doug Jones).
Pros - Hawkins is spectacular as Elisa, managing to express a lot of emotion through body language alone. Jones not only looks great as the amphibian, but also does a great job as well in his mannerisms and expressions. The supporting cast is quite varied, and that does help aid the story in a few surprising ways. The overall look and tone of the film is quite stylish, and does have a huge dark emphasis.
Cons - The film suffers from heavy handed subtlety. You have to pay very close attention to the details whenever they rarely, clearly, appear. If you’re also not a big fan of nudity in films, or are really not sure how you feel about woman and fish man love, go in with caution.
Final Score - 9/10
A fascinatingly unusual film, but can be frustrating for people who aren’t great at details.
Molly’s Game Review
Plot Summary - Based on the true story of Molly Bloom (Jessica Chastain) as she gets charged by the FBI for running a popular underground poker club.
Pros - The cast is phenomenal. Chastain is on point as Molly, Idris Elba as her lawyer has the best monologue in the film, and a brief appearance by Kevin Costner has probably the best scene in the film. The story is told in a terrific fashion, it has dozens of great moments throughout, and is overall it not only follows my most basic qualifications of a good film, but exceeds them by a great distance.
Cons - If you don’t like bio pics or Molly Bloom and what she did. I personally have no complaints about the film.
Final Score - 10/10
Another instance of saving a great film for last, definitely see it if you can.
Next: The Worst Films of 2017 - The most fun list to start off with, get your bets placed now as to who's going to win the title.
Links:
Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? A terrifying time.
Follow me on Social Media
Want something reviewed? Click Below to leave a suggestion.
Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
I am so sorry that these are technically late. By technically I mean they are, but what can I say, the holidays are kind of a strange time for movie reviewers. Between normal holiday festivities and the huge influx of new movies around this time I can see why some year end lists and reviews get stalled. Luckily though, after this, I can get straight into the year end lists, admittedly one of my favourite things to do. Will any of these films be on them? Let’s find out together shall we?
All the Money in the World Review.
Plot Summary - Based on the true story of the 1973 kidnapping of J. Paul Getty III, grandson of J. Paul Getty, who at the time was the richest man in the history of the world.
Pros - Addressing kind of the big elephant in the room (and admittedly the most likely reason why people know about this movie) is the fact that Christopher Plummer, the man who plays J. Paul Getty, was not only not the first choice, he wasn’t even in the movie until a short while ago. Don’t really want to get hung up on the details, look it up if you want to know, but the question is how well do these scenes of him mesh with the rest of the film? Quite well actually.
The cast is great in their respective roles, the films has this menacing look throughout that really matches the tone, and it’s quite a fascinating tale.
Cons - I knew about this story long before seeing the film, so the details didn’t surprise me. That being said, the film never really manages to grab you. All the right parts are there, but the sum of it is just never anything beyond something to watch.
Final Score - 5/10
It’s a film that whether or not you’ve ever been interested in seeing it, your opinion will probably not change.
The Greatest Showman Review
Plot Summary - Based on the true story of how P.T. Barnum (Hugh Jackman) started his circus and changed the lives of those around him.
Pros - Jackman is great as Barnum, and the supporting cast all do a great deal of good as well. The songs, while not my favourite, are still good and the choreography is actually solid.
Cons - The story itself has way too familiar plot points, and it’s also paper thin in that regard as well. There are some interesting side stories, but they mostly are either predictable or fizzle out. The plot structure is also odd as well.
Final Score - 7/10
If the story itself was better thought out, this could’ve been a lot better. I also still find it a bit puzzling that it is a musical, but in that aspect it actually could’ve been worse than it was because of it. I hope that makes sense.
The Shape of Water Review
Plot Summary - A mute woman named Elisa (Sally Hawkins), who works at a high security government facility, befriends and then tries to free, an amphibious fish creature (Doug Jones).
Pros - Hawkins is spectacular as Elisa, managing to express a lot of emotion through body language alone. Jones not only looks great as the amphibian, but also does a great job as well in his mannerisms and expressions. The supporting cast is quite varied, and that does help aid the story in a few surprising ways. The overall look and tone of the film is quite stylish, and does have a huge dark emphasis.
Cons - The film suffers from heavy handed subtlety. You have to pay very close attention to the details whenever they rarely, clearly, appear. If you’re also not a big fan of nudity in films, or are really not sure how you feel about woman and fish man love, go in with caution.
Final Score - 9/10
A fascinatingly unusual film, but can be frustrating for people who aren’t great at details.
Molly’s Game Review
Plot Summary - Based on the true story of Molly Bloom (Jessica Chastain) as she gets charged by the FBI for running a popular underground poker club.
Pros - The cast is phenomenal. Chastain is on point as Molly, Idris Elba as her lawyer has the best monologue in the film, and a brief appearance by Kevin Costner has probably the best scene in the film. The story is told in a terrific fashion, it has dozens of great moments throughout, and is overall it not only follows my most basic qualifications of a good film, but exceeds them by a great distance.
Cons - If you don’t like bio pics or Molly Bloom and what she did. I personally have no complaints about the film.
Final Score - 10/10
Another instance of saving a great film for last, definitely see it if you can.
Next: The Worst Films of 2017 - The most fun list to start off with, get your bets placed now as to who's going to win the title.
Links:
Want to read more? Click Below for my last review. What is it of? A terrifying time.
Follow me on Social Media
Want something reviewed? Click Below to leave a suggestion.
Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
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