You know, I sometimes wonder how the future will look movie wise. Endless remakes, sequels, mindless garbage that the masses will consume wholeheartedly while films that actually want and try and succeed in doing original ideas and concepts will be swept under the rug because *duh I don’t wanna think when I go to the movies.* But then I usually remind myself to lighten the fuck up and stay positive and not to be such a snob (for the most part (furious 7 still sucks I’m not going to budge on that)). But then, something like this comes along that makes me think maybe the inner snob has a point. Let’s go beat a dead horse folks, it’s the Poltergeist remake.
Plot Summary - The Bowen Family, which consists of Father Eric (Sam Rockwell), Mother Amy (Rosemarie Dewitt), Son Griffin (Kyle Catlett), Oldest Daughter Kendra (Saxon Sharbino), and youngest Madison (Kennedi Clements), move into to a foreclosed house due to recent financial hardships. After a series of strange incidents that ends with Madi being taken by spirits, it is revealed to the family that the house is being plagued by a poltergeist.
Pros - I will admit that the cinematography is decent for the most part, but the thing I got out of the film the most was the unintentional hilarity of it all. I was so bored by the last 45 minutes I found myself laughing at the weirdest things just to express a reaction.
Cons - First and foremost, it’s a lame rehashing of the original, albeit they change up the order of events slightly and even attempt to fill in some of the minor gaps in logic of the first film. Yet as much as the rehash the first one they also at one point in the film basically say that the secret of the original film was plain silly and stupid in a dumb attempt to try and be “witty and clever.” Secondly, most of the actors seem bored to death or hardly trying, with Sam Rockwell in particular looking like he wants to go home by act three. Third, and this is probably the thing that annoyed me the most, instead of focusing on the whole family, they mainly focus on Griffin, the fucking annoying middle child. They basically turned the film into a story of a fucking kid conquering his fucking fears…..THAT’S NOT WHAT FUCKING POLTERGEIST IS FUCKING ABOUT!!!! I don’t mind the idea of it don’t get me wrong plenty of films have dealt with that subject, but why the fuck did they do that with the goddamn Poltergeist remake?! What, the idea of a family being tortured by evil spirits who kidnap their daughter wasn’t fucking scary enough? do you honestly think people are going to be dumb enough to takes kids who are Griffin’s age to go see this film so the film can say “You don’t have to be afraid” in a FUCKING HORROR MOVIE? What fucking sense does that even make? Finally, the film isn’t even fucking scary! I think there was like one jump scare the whole goddamn movie and the rest of the time you basically see the spirits and everything going on so fucking out in the open that the whole thing just doesn’t even amount to any level of fear what so goddamn ever.
Final Score - 2/10
Aside from the unintentional hilarity near the end of the film I honestly can’t recommend this to anyone. If someone offers to buy your ticket for you then go for the cheap laughs, otherwise it’s not worth it.
The next one will probably Tomorrowland either Saturday or Sunday.
Until then, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
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