Hello folks, at the time of writing it is still December
25th, I’m full of Christmas cheer, and I wanna use it to absolutely
throttle the shit out of the absolute worst, bottom of the barrel, let’s just
take out back and give it the lassie treatment, movies of 2014. Now, even
though this was one of the worst years ever for movies (especially when we
broke the record for the slowest box office weekend twice!) I have to admit, it
was still a bit of a struggle to put together this list, mostly because since I’m
a completely self financed reviewer, I tend to choose my movies more carefully
than most, but these are the films I gambled on and lost, and for that, they go
on the list. Now without further delay, let’s get this list started.
10. Dracula Untold
Truth be told, I actually liked this one better than I
thought I would, but mostly in the sense of it went up from awful to just average.
The few cool ideas and scenes it had a re weighed down by cliché, and truth be
told if this is really how Universal wants to start their knock off Marvel
Universe with their movie monsters, then I’m not getting my hopes up for the
rest of them being any more interesting.
Final Score: 5/10
9. The Boxtrolls
In a year full of mostly average to surprisingly good
animated movies, Laika should’ve been one of the stand outs of this year.
Unfortunately the films main joke got old quick and it soured the rest of the
film for me. It only saves being higher on the list because the animation is
still just as spectacular. Truth be told, if you haven’t seen it, skip it and
wait for Laika’s next film, I think they just announced what it was.
Final Score: 5/10
8. The Amazing Spiderman 2
I hate this film more than I’d like too, and while I
didn’t do a review on it, you should know that on the bus ride home I felt
something I hadn’t felt in a long time: Genuine Heartbreak. While bad ass Harry
Osbourne, awesome looking Electro, and the Peter and Gwen relationship stuff
was awesome, Green Goblin was barely in his own film (and honestly it should’ve
been Norman not Harry), Max Dillon (in my mind) was just a bizarre attempt to
make fun of overzealous Spiderman fans (Gee Sony, and you wonder why we hate
you for what you did to him) and the Peter trying to find out what happened to
his parents stuff was just bizarre (apparently there was a deleted scene where
he met his dad.....who died.....Why?!) To me the smartest person in that film
was Shailene Woodley for bailing for Divergent, and while Divergent was pretty
bad from what I heard, at least it’s getting a sequel.
Final Score: 5/10
7. Swearnet

Ah yes, the other Trailer Park Boys film from this
year, truthfully, it’s neither good enough to be more than subpar, but not bad
enough to be considered worse, it’s basically an already forgotten movie that I
think was more just a misfire one off from the TPB crew. If you’re a fan you’ll
like it, everyone else should just skip it...like they already did.
Final Score: 4/10
6. The Maze Runner
I chose a really bad year to gamble on the struggling
YA genres, as while the visuals to the film were decent; ultimately it failed
to capture my interest in the series. To me there was just not much working for
it and that ending for anyone who didn’t read the books was nothing more than
just complete and utter befuddlement. I’m honestly okay with skipping the rest
of them.
Final Score: 4/10
5. Interstellar
I know, I know, boo me all you want, but honestly like
Maze Runner, it’s visually interesting, but Interstellar feels like a bloated
mess. I think the reason why I don’t like it is because I feel like it’s trying
too hard to be important. It seems like Christopher Nolan is trying really hard
to just beat some important lesson into our heads while screaming ‘get it?’
over and over again. The only thing I got out of this film was boredom and
confusion (Why did Matt Damon try and kill Matthew McConaughey again?)
Final Score: 4/10
4. Horrible Bosses 2
Man, when it came to comedy sequels that nobody really
wanted, between this and Dumb and Dumber to, I still can’t figure out if I was
better seeing this one and skipping the other or if it would have been better
to do it the other way around. I mean aside from an insanely fun turn from
Chris Pine and a few good gags, the rest of this film feels like a forced mess
which actively ruins how good the first film was, not to mention it also ruins
the whole point of the first film.
Final Score: 3/10
3. The Equalizer
Man, between this and A Walk Among The Tombstones,
most of the big action hero movies were not all that great this year, I mean not
even Denzel Washington being awesome can save this absurdly thin film and its
full cast of characters who I’ve completely forgotten all about. Honestly I don’t
know if they wanna turn this into a series of films or a TV show, but both of
them sound like bad ideas.
Final Score: 2/10
2. Exodus: Gods and Kings

Well, what else is there to say about the most boring
film of the year? Maybe the fact that the only thing this film does is show
proof that maybe Ridley Scott should just....stop. I mean seriously dude, what
the hell?
Final Score: 1/10
Before I reveal my number one, I want to introduce to
a segment that I’m doing this, and maybe only this year depending on how next
year goes:
Five Films I’m glad I skipped.
Explanation: Since I’m an independent reviewer, I
don’t get to see advanced screenings and I have to pay out of pocket for these
movies, so I tend to steer clear of stuff I know I’m probably going to hate
anyways, I barely had enough movies to make a top ten list (Thank you Exodus),
so instead of a dishonourable list, I’d thought that I’d go with more of a
dodged the bullet type thing for this year (and maybe next year if the same
scenario arises.) So basically these are the films I’m definitely glad I
skipped.
1. Divergent
– The bad movie that may have caused the Spiderman fiasco, it also doesn’t help
that it’s yet another YA novel adaptation and I pretty much hate them all by
now.
2. Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 – Yes I’m
aware this is currently the good one of the YA’s, but the first one was garbage
(and if I was doing reviews at the time it would have been my worst of the
year) but while I hear the second one is better, I can’t bring myself to watch
it and I definitely won’t watch the third one until I watch the second. Also
according to a friend of mine this movie was responsible for the death of
Phillip Seymour Hoffman so that doesn’t help it much either.
3. The
Theory of Everything – A biopic about a scientist and his branch of science I
don’t understand and have no interest in, that’s a hardcore pass.
4. Need for
Speed – Yeah the original Need for Speed most wanted is one of my favorite
games of all time, so watching the guy from a TV show I fucking hate (Yes I
hate Breaking Bad come at me bro) shit all over the franchise is a big no from
me. I bet you forgot this came out this year didn’t you?
5. Men Women
& Children/Labor Day – I really like Jason Reitman, but man this was not a
good year for him. Both attempts to stray from his comfort zone were just
massive misfires.
And now, the moment you have all been waiting
for......
THE
ABSOLUTE WORST FILM OF 2014 IS.......
1. Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles
Yeah, in case I didn’t make my case clear on how I
feel about this movie the first, all I need to say, is that if I could, I’d
bludgeon Michael Bay to death with the hard copy of this film before burying them
both and lighting the grave on fire. This fucking un co-ordinated and very
broken film completely and utterly fails as being anything even remotely close to
being a film and it’s only purpose is to serve as a reminder that Michael Bay
sleeps on a pile of money made by pissing all over your childhood.
Fuck this thing and everything about it and everyone
involved in it. In fact, I’m creating a new gold standard in bad films based on
this piece of shit. From now one, the worst film of every year shall receive...
The TMNT award for failure at being anything remotely
close to a good film
And that’s a promise.
Now, there’s a couple of more films still to watch
before I finalize the good film list, but look for it at the latest early next
year.
Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.
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