Thursday, 25 December 2014

Review Special: The Top Ten Worst Films of 2014



Hello folks, at the time of writing it is still December 25th, I’m full of Christmas cheer, and I wanna use it to absolutely throttle the shit out of the absolute worst, bottom of the barrel, let’s just take out back and give it the lassie treatment, movies of 2014. Now, even though this was one of the worst years ever for movies (especially when we broke the record for the slowest box office weekend twice!) I have to admit, it was still a bit of a struggle to put together this list, mostly because since I’m a completely self financed reviewer, I tend to choose my movies more carefully than most, but these are the films I gambled on and lost, and for that, they go on the list. Now without further delay, let’s get this list started.

10. Dracula Untold
 
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Truth be told, I actually liked this one better than I thought I would, but mostly in the sense of it went up from awful to just average. The few cool ideas and scenes it had a re weighed down by cliché, and truth be told if this is really how Universal wants to start their knock off Marvel Universe with their movie monsters, then I’m not getting my hopes up for the rest of them being any more interesting.

Final Score: 5/10

9. The Boxtrolls

http://cdn.fansided.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/229/files/2014/08/The-Boxtrolls-Poster.jpg

In a year full of mostly average to surprisingly good animated movies, Laika should’ve been one of the stand outs of this year. Unfortunately the films main joke got old quick and it soured the rest of the film for me. It only saves being higher on the list because the animation is still just as spectacular. Truth be told, if you haven’t seen it, skip it and wait for Laika’s next film, I think they just announced what it was.

Final Score: 5/10

8. The Amazing Spiderman 2

http://pmcdeadline2.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/amazing-spider-man-2-poster__140603232341.jpg

I hate this film more than I’d like too, and while I didn’t do a review on it, you should know that on the bus ride home I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time: Genuine Heartbreak. While bad ass Harry Osbourne, awesome looking Electro, and the Peter and Gwen relationship stuff was awesome, Green Goblin was barely in his own film (and honestly it should’ve been Norman not Harry), Max Dillon (in my mind) was just a bizarre attempt to make fun of overzealous Spiderman fans (Gee Sony, and you wonder why we hate you for what you did to him) and the Peter trying to find out what happened to his parents stuff was just bizarre (apparently there was a deleted scene where he met his dad.....who died.....Why?!) To me the smartest person in that film was Shailene Woodley for bailing for Divergent, and while Divergent was pretty bad from what I heard, at least it’s getting a sequel.

Final Score: 5/10

7. Swearnet

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Ah yes, the other Trailer Park Boys film from this year, truthfully, it’s neither good enough to be more than subpar, but not bad enough to be considered worse, it’s basically an already forgotten movie that I think was more just a misfire one off from the TPB crew. If you’re a fan you’ll like it, everyone else should just skip it...like they already did.

Final Score: 4/10

6. The Maze Runner

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I chose a really bad year to gamble on the struggling YA genres, as while the visuals to the film were decent; ultimately it failed to capture my interest in the series. To me there was just not much working for it and that ending for anyone who didn’t read the books was nothing more than just complete and utter befuddlement. I’m honestly okay with skipping the rest of them.

Final Score: 4/10

5. Interstellar

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I know, I know, boo me all you want, but honestly like Maze Runner, it’s visually interesting, but Interstellar feels like a bloated mess. I think the reason why I don’t like it is because I feel like it’s trying too hard to be important. It seems like Christopher Nolan is trying really hard to just beat some important lesson into our heads while screaming ‘get it?’ over and over again. The only thing I got out of this film was boredom and confusion (Why did Matt Damon try and kill Matthew McConaughey again?)

Final Score: 4/10

4. Horrible Bosses 2

http://www.etonline.com/media/photo/2014/10/24108558/425_horrible_bosses_2.jpg

Man, when it came to comedy sequels that nobody really wanted, between this and Dumb and Dumber to, I still can’t figure out if I was better seeing this one and skipping the other or if it would have been better to do it the other way around. I mean aside from an insanely fun turn from Chris Pine and a few good gags, the rest of this film feels like a forced mess which actively ruins how good the first film was, not to mention it also ruins the whole point of the first film.

Final Score: 3/10

3. The Equalizer

http://www.impawards.com/2014/posters/equalizer_ver5.jpg

Man, between this and A Walk Among The Tombstones, most of the big action hero movies were not all that great this year, I mean not even Denzel Washington being awesome can save this absurdly thin film and its full cast of characters who I’ve completely forgotten all about. Honestly I don’t know if they wanna turn this into a series of films or a TV show, but both of them sound like bad ideas.

Final Score: 2/10

2. Exodus: Gods and Kings

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Well, what else is there to say about the most boring film of the year? Maybe the fact that the only thing this film does is show proof that maybe Ridley Scott should just....stop. I mean seriously dude, what the hell?

Final Score: 1/10

Before I reveal my number one, I want to introduce to a segment that I’m doing this, and maybe only this year depending on how next year goes:

Five Films I’m glad I skipped.

Explanation: Since I’m an independent reviewer, I don’t get to see advanced screenings and I have to pay out of pocket for these movies, so I tend to steer clear of stuff I know I’m probably going to hate anyways, I barely had enough movies to make a top ten list (Thank you Exodus), so instead of a dishonourable list, I’d thought that I’d go with more of a dodged the bullet type thing for this year (and maybe next year if the same scenario arises.) So basically these are the films I’m definitely glad I skipped.

1.      Divergent – The bad movie that may have caused the Spiderman fiasco, it also doesn’t help that it’s yet another YA novel adaptation and I pretty much hate them all by now.

2.       Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 – Yes I’m aware this is currently the good one of the YA’s, but the first one was garbage (and if I was doing reviews at the time it would have been my worst of the year) but while I hear the second one is better, I can’t bring myself to watch it and I definitely won’t watch the third one until I watch the second. Also according to a friend of mine this movie was responsible for the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman so that doesn’t help it much either.

3.      The Theory of Everything – A biopic about a scientist and his branch of science I don’t understand and have no interest in, that’s a hardcore pass.

4.      Need for Speed – Yeah the original Need for Speed most wanted is one of my favorite games of all time, so watching the guy from a TV show I fucking hate (Yes I hate Breaking Bad come at me bro) shit all over the franchise is a big no from me. I bet you forgot this came out this year didn’t you?

5.      Men Women & Children/Labor Day – I really like Jason Reitman, but man this was not a good year for him. Both attempts to stray from his comfort zone were just massive misfires.

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for......

THE ABSOLUTE WORST FILM OF 2014 IS.......

1.      Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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Yeah, in case I didn’t make my case clear on how I feel about this movie the first, all I need to say, is that if I could, I’d bludgeon Michael Bay to death with the hard copy of this film before burying them both and lighting the grave on fire. This fucking un co-ordinated and very broken film completely and utterly fails as being anything even remotely close to being a film and it’s only purpose is to serve as a reminder that Michael Bay sleeps on a pile of money made by pissing all over your childhood.

Fuck this thing and everything about it and everyone involved in it. In fact, I’m creating a new gold standard in bad films based on this piece of shit. From now one, the worst film of every year shall receive...

The TMNT award for failure at being anything remotely close to a good film

And that’s a promise.

Now, there’s a couple of more films still to watch before I finalize the good film list, but look for it at the latest early next year.

Until next time, I’ll see you folks at the movies.

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